Jackie Mason Quotes

Quotes about:

• My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

  Jackie Mason

  Grandfather, One Day, Watches

  68 Copy quote

• Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

  Jackie Mason

  Love, Funny, Inspiring

  308 Copy quote

• I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

  Jackie Mason

  Funny, Money, Humorous

  Jackie Mason (1983). “Jackie Mason's America”, Lyle Stuart

  48 Copy quote

• Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

  Jackie Mason

  Girlfriend, Thinking, Wife

  56 Copy quote

• It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

  Jackie Mason

  Retirement, Health, Age

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  53 Copy quote

• Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

  Jackie Mason

  Basketball, School, Play

  53 Copy quote

• America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

  Jackie Mason

  Country, America, Tears

  34 Copy quote

• It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!

  Jackie Mason

  Cake, Differences, Pieces

  44 Copy quote

• My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

  Jackie Mason

  Father, Successful, Window

  39 Copy quote

• I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

  Jackie Mason

  Italian, Half, Stealing

  17 Copy quote

• Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

  Jackie Mason

  Two, Kitchen, Sushi

  31 Copy quote

• A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

  Jackie Mason

  Laughing, Wife, Approval

  12 Copy quote

• I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

  Jackie Mason

  Sex, Years, Important

  26 Copy quote

• Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.

  Jackie Mason

  Honesty, Decency

  12 Copy quote

• The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over a lifetime of excellent service, there's never been a hint of corruption in his behavior but everybody investigates him.

  Jackie Mason

  Hints, Levels, Corruption

  Source: spectator.org

  21 Copy quote

• When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!

  Jackie Mason

  Hands, Europe, Cake

  35 Copy quote

• I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

  Jackie Mason

  Football, Player, Self

  29 Copy quote

• I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!

  Jackie Mason

  Crazy, War, Writing

  41 Copy quote

• Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got!

  Jackie Mason

  Men, Want, Rooms

  Jackie Mason (1983). “Jackie Mason's America”, Lyle Stuart

  14 Copy quote

• People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.

  Jackie Mason

  People, Way, Fool

  Source: spectator.org

  5 Copy quote

• I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

  Jackie Mason

  Hate, Half, Remember

  23 Copy quote

• Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have never believed you. Her only qualifications for office are that she's Mr. Clinton's partner. And what does that mean? The two of them stand for dishonesty and corruption.

  Jackie Mason

  Mean, Years, Two

  Source: spectator.org

  27 Copy quote

• Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

  Jackie Mason

  Kids, Wanted, Accountants

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  19 Copy quote

• Jews are told that they should spend their lives helping others and when they make a lot of money it really bothers them. So, as a way to decrease their guilt, they try to help the underdog. They think, "Why should I be rich when so many suffer?" They feel better once they run to the party that claims to defend the underdog, the Democrats.

  Jackie Mason

  Running, Party, Feel Better

  Source: spectator.org

  4 Copy quote

• Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

  Jackie Mason

  Land, Jerusalem, Knows

  12 Copy quote

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