Alan King Quotes

Quotes about:

• Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

  Alan King

  Marriage, Fighting, Way

  47 Copy quote

• When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

  Alan King

  Running, Morning, Apples

  10 Copy quote

• You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

  Alan King

  Birthday, People, Looks

  13 Copy quote

• A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

  Alan King

  Holiday, Summary

  13 Copy quote

• The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."

  Alan King

  Fire, House, Lawyer

  10 Copy quote

• If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

  Alan King

  Love, Inspirational, Marriage

  30 Copy quote

• You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

  Alan King

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  7 Copy quote

• Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

  Alan King

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  13 Copy quote

• Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

  Alan King

  Worry, Faces, Enough

  21 Copy quote

• My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

  Alan King

  Father, Said

  11 Copy quote

• We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

  Alan King

  Crime, Stage, Certain

  16 Copy quote

• The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.

  Alan King

  Running, Trying, World

  9 Copy quote

• If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

  Alan King

  Thinking, Expenses, Ifs

  11 Copy quote

• I was a high school throw-out.

  Alan King

  School, High School

  4 Copy quote

• Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.

  Alan King

  Fun, Reflection, Mirrors

  9 Copy quote

• I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

  Alan King

  Bird, Mind, Special

  9 Copy quote

• My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.

  Alan King

  Mother, Giving, House

  5 Copy quote

• There's a charm, there's a rhythm, there's a soul to Jewish humor. When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, 'You're doing a Jewish act.'

  Alan King

  Soul, Saws, Firsts

  6 Copy quote

• My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'

  Alan King

  Father, Smart, Hero

  9 Copy quote

• I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.

  Alan King

  Morning, Food, Night

  6 Copy quote

• My son says I never tell stories about anyone who's living.

  Alan King

  Son, Stories, My Son

  5 Copy quote

• I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

  Alan King

  Thinking, Comedy, Bigs

  7 Copy quote

• I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.

  Alan King

  Giving, Joy, Unhappy

  9 Copy quote

• Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.

  Alan King

  Party, Looks, Vaudeville

  5 Copy quote

• If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

  Alan King

  Alive, Currents, Ifs

  6 Copy quote

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