Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.
If I'm using Nonviolent Communication I never, never, never hear what somebody thinks about me. Never hear what somebody thinks about you, you'll live longer. You'll enjoy life more. Hear the truth. The truth is that when somebody's telling you what's wrong with you, the truth is they have a need that isn't getting met. Hear that they're in pain. Don't hear the analysis.
The objective of Nonviolent Communication is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way: it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy, which will eventually fulfill everyone's needs.
When our communication supports compassionate giving and receiving, happiness replaces violence and grieving.
Instead of playing the game "Making Life Wonderful", we often play the game called "Who's Right". Do you know that game? It's a game where everybody loses.
The most dangerous of all behaviors may consist of doing things 'because we're supposed to.
We are never angry because of what others say or do. It is our thinking that makes us angry.
Whether I praise or criticize someone's action, I imply that I am their judge, that I'm engaged in rating them or what they have done.
Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore deserve punishment.
Punishment is the root of violence on our planet.
While we may not consider the way we talk to be 'violent,' our words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or for ourselves.
To practice NVC, it's critical for me to be able to slow down, take my time, to come from an energy I choose, the one I believe that we were meant to come from, not the one I was programmed into.
Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.
Fix-it jackals can't wait to fix it, because they don't know how to enjoy pain. And until you learn how to enjoy pain, you can't enjoy intimacy.
When we understand the needs that motivate our own and others behavior, we have no enemies.
How I choose to look at any situation will greatly affect whether I have the power to change it or make matters worse.
You don't have to be brilliant. It's enough to become progressively less stupid.
Learning is too precious to be motivated by coercive tactics.
Conflicts, even of long standing duration, can be resolved if we can just keep the flow of communication going in which people come out of their heads and stop criticizing and analyzing each other, and instead get in touch with their needs, and hear the needs of others, and realize the interdependence that we all have in relation to each other. We can't win at somebody else's expense. We can only fully be satisfied when the other person's needs are fulfilled as well as our own.
People have been trained to criticize, insult, and otherwise communicate in ways that create distance among people.
Don't hate the circumstance, you may miss the blessing
Use the words "I feel because I" to remind us that what we feel it isn't because of what the other person did, but because of a choice I've made.
Avoid 'shoulding' on others and yourself!
Blaming and punishing others are superficial expressions of anger.
You can't make your kids do anything. All you can do is make them wish they had. And then, they will make you wish you hadn't made them wish they had.
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