Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.
Never question the beauty of what you are saying because someone reacts with pain, judgment, criticism. It just means they have not heard you.
Most of us grew up speaking a language that encourages us to label, compare, demand, and pronounce judgments rather than to be aware of what we are feeling and needing.
Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.
Four D's of Disconnection: 1. Diagnosis (judgment, analysis, criticism, comparison); 2. Denial of Responsibility; 3. Demand; 4. 'Deserve' oriented language.
When we make mistakes, we can use the process of NVC mourning and self-forgiveness to show us where we can grow instead of getting caught up in moralistic self-judgments.
The number one reason that we don't get our needs met, we don't express them. We express judgments. If we do express needs, the number two reasons we don't our needs met, we don't make clear requests.
Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments however positive, and are sometimes offered to manipulate the behavior of others. NVC encourages the expression of appreciation solely for celebration.
The cause of anger lies in our thinking - in thoughts of blame and judgment.
As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism. We come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized.
All moralistic judgments, whether positive or negative, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.
Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are actually alienated expressions of our unmet needs.
Translate all self-judgments into self-empathy.
When I am angry I have a judgment and an unmet need.
Focusing on the unmet need (not the judgment) is more likely to get the need met.
I'm going to show you a technology today which takes insults and criticisms out of the airwaves. (Marshall puts on giraffe ears) With this technology, it will be impossible for you to hear criticisms, harsh remarks, or insults. All you can hear is what all people are ever saying, "please" and "thank you". What used to sound like criticism, judgment, or blame, you will see, are really tragic, suicidal expressions of "please".
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