If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
Christians, you and your churches don't get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules! Either stick to them or abandon the faith.
Never Google yourself. Seriously, don't!
I don't mind not being cool; I wear a cardigan.
I'm more pompous and self-assured and determined that if - you know - if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.
Eventually, somewhere - be it on the Internet or somewhere else - I will host some version of 'The Daily Show.'
Jews, I know you're God's chosen people and the rest of us are just 'whatever', but when Israel behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someone mentions it, that doesn't make them anti-Semitic.
This goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: To the Jews, Christians, and Muslims. It's just a little thing, really. But do you think that when you're done smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you're at it... do you think the rest of us could have our planet back?
All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of this man.
Guilt is feeling bad about what you have done; shame is feeling bad about who you are - all it is, is muddling up things you have done with who you are.
Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.
Political correctness is as exploitable as any other progressive ideal, but its aim is to stifle the incessant noise of those who flap their careless lips without a thought about those they might offend and why that might be important.
No one wants life to end. It was bad enough when my last tour came to an end.
The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones.
I have an addictive personality. Boarding school merely sent me more quickly on the downward spiral that dominated my childhood.
You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.
I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It's an amazing feeling.
If you go on stage with an agenda, you have to accept not everyone's going to agree with it.
I realised that to compare your insides with other people's outsides leads to unhappiness.
The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it's so straightforward and simple. If the audience don't laugh, you didn't do your job. I've had some audiences where I didn't care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.
I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I'm a pretty good guy.
I became hugely overweight and then hated myself because it was a form of self-abuse, something over which I had no control. I think the thing compulsive over-eaters want to achieve is that stuffed-full Christmas afternoon feeling.
Britain is obsessed with political correctness.
I'm best known as a stand-up comedian, but I'm a good actor in the right role.
I think Ross Noble is the only person that I've seen really storm a stand-up slot at a festival, and that was when he led 3,000 people on a conga out of the tent and across the entire site to a vegetarian food truck.
Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. Every day we present the best quotes! Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends
or simply: