Paul Merton Quotes

Quotes about:

• When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.

  Paul Merton

  Monday, Morning, Thinking

  "I think I'm sane" by Sam Wollaston, www.theguardian.com. October 23, 2007.

  47 Copy quote

• On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?

  Paul Merton

  New York, Humorous, Central Park

  71 Copy quote

• I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

  Paul Merton

  Funny, Humorous, Air

  "Are these Britain's greatest wits ... or twits?" by Stephen Moss, www.theguardian.com. October 15, 2007.

  20 Copy quote

• At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during 'Meat Is Murder.'

  Paul Merton

  Heart, Night, Sitting

  14 Copy quote

• It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It's an instant connection.

  Paul Merton

  People, Laughing, Connections

  12 Copy quote

• If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.

  Paul Merton

  House, Done, Paper

  7 Copy quote

• My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?'

  Paul Merton

  Jobs, Blow, Yelling

  4 Copy quote

• Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way.

  Paul Merton

  People, World, Way

  "I think I'm sane". Interview with Sam Wollaston, www.theguardian.com. October 23, 2007.

  4 Copy quote

• My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.

  Paul Merton

  School, Past, Years

  8 Copy quote

• I don't consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.

  Paul Merton

  Fashion, Victim

  2003 In the Daily Telegraph, 21 Apr.

  7 Copy quote

• In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.

  Paul Merton

  Couple, Men, Comedian

  8 Copy quote

• I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?

  Paul Merton

  Age, Comedy, Remember

  "Paul Merton: 'Am I allowed to call myself working-class now?'". Interview With Decca Aitkenhead, www.theguardian.com. May 16, 2011.

  7 Copy quote

• I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.

  Paul Merton

  School, Potatoes, Firsts

  7 Copy quote

• When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.

  Paul Merton

  Creating, Remember, Realised

  4 Copy quote

• I have never sold my story, done Hello! magazine, any of that stuff. I'm not guilty of exploiting my private life for cash and then saying, 'Oh, I don't want to talk about my private life.' I've never crossed that line.

  Paul Merton

  Stories, Done, Magazines

  4 Copy quote

• It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties - that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness.

  Paul Merton

  Lonely, Loneliness, Real

  "Paul Merton interview: fears of a clown". Interview with Lynn Barber, www.theguardian.com. October 28, 2000.

  6 Copy quote

• I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.

  Paul Merton

  Thinking, Interesting, Comedian

  4 Copy quote

• When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous.

  Paul Merton

  Oysters, Guy, Edinburgh

  4 Copy quote

• I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.

  Paul Merton

  Dvds, Order, Trying

  8 Copy quote

• I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.

  Paul Merton

  Thinking, Election, Vote

  "I think I'm sane" by Sam Wollaston, www.theguardian.com. October 23, 2007.

  6 Copy quote

• I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy.

  Paul Merton

  Comedy, Interest, Contemporary

  "Paul Merton: 'Am I allowed to call myself working-class now?'". Interview With Decca Aitkenhead, www.theguardian.com. May 16, 2011.

  4 Copy quote

• And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.

  Paul Merton

  Laughing, Stereotype, Shyness

  4 Copy quote

• I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.

  Paul Merton

  People, Made, Longevity

  "Paul Merton: 'Am I allowed to call myself working-class now?'". Interview With Decca Aitkenhead, www.theguardian.com. May 16, 2011.

  5 Copy quote

• If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.

  Paul Merton

  Cheating, Laughter, People

  5 Copy quote

• I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.

  Paul Merton

  Firsts, Politician, Disappointed

  "I think I'm sane" by Sam Wollaston, www.theguardian.com. October 23, 2007.

  5 Copy quote

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