Funny Alcohol Quotes

• Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Witty, Clever

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  97 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Life, Drinking

  119 Copy quote
• 

  An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

  Dylan Thomas

  Funny, Drinking, Food

  Dictionary of 20th Century Quotations quoted by Nigel Rees. Fontana London (1987)

  88 Copy quote

  Show source

• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

  Henny Youngman

  Crazy, Drinking, Reading

  Quoted in Rocky Mountain News, 15 July 1994

  105 Copy quote

  Show source

• I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

  David Lee Roth

  Funny, Life, Sports

  "Roth Army" by Oliver Hurley, www.theguardian.com. August 27, 2004.

  98 Copy quote

  Show source

• Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector. It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully.

  Graham Greene

  Truth, Lying, Drinking

  Graham Greene (1980). “Travels with my aunt”

  25 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

  Ernest Hemingway

  Funny, Witty, Clever

  Ernest Hemingway (2008). “The Good Life According to Hemingway”, Ecco

  131 Copy quote

  Show source

• Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

  W. C. Fields

  Drinking, House, Alcohol

  12 Copy quote

• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

  Kinky Friedman

  Beauty, Philosophy, Drinking

  30 Copy quote
• 

  An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

  Ernest Hemingway

  Book, Drinking, Beer

  Ernest Hemingway (2008). “The Good Life According to Hemingway”, Ecco

  116 Copy quote

  Show source

• It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

  George Burns

  Clever, Drinking, Drunk

  128 Copy quote

• Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.

  F. Scott Fitzgerald

  Drinking, Glasses, Drunk

  "The Beautiful and Damned". Book by F. Scott Fitzgerald, pitchfork.com. 1922.

  83 Copy quote

  Show source

• I enjoy cooking with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food I'm cooking.

  Julia Child

  Wine, Cooking, Sometimes

  9 Copy quote

• Don't trust a brilliant idea unless it survives the hangover.

  Jimmy Breslin

  Hangover, Drinking, Ideas

  95 Copy quote

• There's a thousand reasons why I shouldn't drink... but I can't think of one right now.

  Shemp Howard

  Drinking, Thinking, Drunk

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  39 Copy quote

  Show source

• People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.

  Ann Landers

  Drinking, Swimming, Beer

  28 Copy quote

• The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol.

  Mignon McLaughlin

  Drinking, Beer, Alcohol

  Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.58, BookBaby

  10 Copy quote

  Show source

• I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

  Joe E. Lewis

  Funny, Drinking, Beer

  Recalled on his death, 4 Jun1971.

  77 Copy quote

  Show source

• Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.

  Carl Jung

  Drinking, Recovery, Overcoming Addiction

  Memories, Dreams, Reflections ch. 12 (1962)

  102 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

  Humphrey Bogart

  Drinking, Book, Beer

  172 Copy quote

• If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Drinking, Alcohol, Mind

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.57, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  17 Copy quote

  Show source

• Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.

  N. F. Simpson

  Drinking, Food, Reality

  53 Copy quote

• I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Inspirational, Wisdom, Truth

  Abraham Lincoln (1999). “The Wit & Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln: A Treasury of Quotations, Anecdotes, and Observations”, Gramercy

  79 Copy quote

  Show source

• Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!

  Martin Luther

  Funny, Drinking, Sleep

  1268 Copy quote

• Cigarettes and coffee: an alcoholic's best friend!

  Gerard Way

  Drinking, Coffee, Smoking

  21 Copy quote