Doug Benson Quotes

Quotes about:

• I saw a dog in a cage. And that cage had a sign on it that said, 'I bite.' And I was like, 'That is good to know doggy, but that's not the most important thing about you. You should make a sign that says, 'I make signs.''

  Doug Benson

  Dog, Important, Saws

  53 Copy quote

• Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?

  Doug Benson

  Grandma, Smell, Car

  20 Copy quote

• People say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I'm a multitasking pot-smoker: just the other day I was walking down the street, I was putting eyedrops in my eyes, I was talking on my cell phone, and I was getting hit by a car.

  Doug Benson

  Eye, Phones, Cells

  18 Copy quote

• Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?

  Doug Benson

  Marijuana, Today, Tomorrow

  13 Copy quote

• A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.

  Doug Benson

  Complaining

  Twitter post from Sep 11, 2013

  6 Copy quote

• Fortunately, most of my friends in comedy that smoke pot are almost as open about it as I am, and in some cases more so. But most that appear, it's more about friendship with me than making some statement about pot. I'm sure those of my friends who are onscreen smoking might have a little regret, but there's not too much of it.

  Doug Benson

  Regret, Smoking, Littles

  Source: www.avclub.com

  14 Copy quote

• LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

  Doug Benson

  Lines, Pajamas, Jammies

  Twitter post from Nov 15, 2010

  15 Copy quote

• Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

  Doug Benson

  Men, Shows, Agree

  "Best Week Ever". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 2004-.

  12 Copy quote

• A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

  Doug Benson

  Weed, Kids, Thinking

  Twitter post from Oct 27, 2010

  9 Copy quote

• I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.

  Doug Benson

  Beer, Games, Eight

  4 Copy quote

• You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

  Doug Benson

  Night, Circles, Wake Up

  10 Copy quote

• The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

  Doug Benson

  Sunday, Up Early, Great Things

  7 Copy quote

• I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

  Doug Benson

  Girlfriend, Lying, Men

  8 Copy quote

• Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.

  Doug Benson

  Funny, Guy, Genius

  "Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins". www.imdb.com. 2004.

  4 Copy quote

• The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

  Doug Benson

  Past, Numbers, Genius

  "Best Week Ever with Paul F. Tompkins", www.imdb.com. 2004.

  9 Copy quote

• Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it.

  Doug Benson

  Long, People, Smoking

  Source: www.avclub.com

  4 Copy quote

• I like Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like Dawn of the dead because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.

  Doug Benson

  Children, Taken, Chocolate

  5 Copy quote

• Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.

  Doug Benson

  Acceptance, Rapper, Speech

  Twitter post from Aug 25, 2013

  4 Copy quote

• Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it. On the other hand, no one really needs to defend drinking. That's something that frustrates me as a comic: I have to play clubs where selling booze runs the business, so crowds get drunk and yell out a bunch of stupid stuff at me. Pot doesn't cause people to do that. I did a show in Amsterdam a few months ago, and people weren't yelling stuff out at all. They also weren't laughing very much, but I think they were still having a good time.

  Doug Benson

  Running, Stupid, Drinking

  Source: film.avclub.com

  4 Copy quote

• If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do.

  Doug Benson

  Mad, Smoking, Want

  Source: www.avclub.com

  6 Copy quote

• That dude Stephen Falk that created You're The Worst, he used to work on the show Weeds, and we sort of came across each other then because he's a fan of podcasts, and he would listen to Doug Loves Movies. And then I auditioned for a part on Weeds and didn't get it, but it was an episode that he had written, so it was his idea to bring me in.We just sort of kept in touch. And then eventually, he and other cast members of You're The Worst were guests on Doug Loves Movies.

  Doug Benson

  Weed, Ideas, Movie Love

  Source: www.avclub.com

  8 Copy quote

• We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.

  Doug Benson

  Smoking, Want, Able

  7 Copy quote

• Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

  Doug Benson

  Zero, Cat, Two

  10 Copy quote

• In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

  Doug Benson

  Funny, Weather, Waiting

  9 Copy quote

• Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

  Doug Benson

  Scary, Experience, Figures

  "Comedy: The blunt Doug Benson". Interview with Brent Owen, www.leoweekly.com. August 28, 2013.

  8 Copy quote

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