Scott Adams Quotes - Page 5

Quotes about:

• Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.

  Scott Adams

  Coffee, Thinking, Doctors

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• Dilbert: Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method.
  Dogbert: But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called time and cause and effect exist.
  Dilbert: That's what I was taught and that's what I believe.
  Dogbert: Sounds cultish.

  Scott Adams

  Believe, Science, Reality

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• If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

  Scott Adams

  Technology, Done, Condescension And

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• We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

  Scott Adams

  Ignorance, Views, Sea

  "The Call of Cthulhu". Short story by H.P. Lovecraft, www.hplovecraft.com. 1928.

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• The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find someone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It is futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone who is capable of significant change; that sort of person exists only in our imaginations.

  Scott Adams

  Relationship, Significant Change, Imagination

  Scott Adams (2004). “God's Debris: A Thought Experiment”, p.112, Andrews McMeel Publishing

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• Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane.

  Scott Adams

  Reality, People, Insane

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• In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

  Scott Adams

  Car, Hot, Way

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• The greenest home is the one you don't build. If you really want to save the Earth, move in with another family and share a house that's already built. Better yet, live in the forest and eat whatever the squirrels don't want.

  Scott Adams

  Moving, Home, Squirrels

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• You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

  Scott Adams

  Funny, Wise, Country

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• The human population is 90% gullible, violence-prone dipshits.

  Scott Adams

  Death, Suicide, Population

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• I discovered what I call the Bill Gates effect. That is, the more successful you are, the uglier you get.

  Scott Adams

  Successful, Bills, Computer

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• Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.

  Scott Adams

  Christian, Religious, Atheist

  "The Dilbert Blog: Atheists: The New Gays". November 19, 2006.

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• The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day. This is why people of different religions can generally live in peace. At some level, we all suspect that other people don't believe their own religion any more than we believe ours.

  Scott Adams

  Believe, People, Religion

  Scott Adams (2004). “God's Debris: A Thought Experiment”, p.29, Andrews McMeel Publishing

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• We know the goats are imported because they don't speak English.

  Scott Adams

  Speak English, Goats, Speak

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• When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids.

  Scott Adams

  People, Boss, Stories

  "Scott Adams Keeps the Home Office Humming". Interview with Adam Bryant, www.nytimes.com. September 7, 1997.

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• If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one way to interpret God's will is that you should love your neighbor. An alternate reading of the holy books might lead you to rig a donkey cart with small mortar rockets and aim it at a hotel full of infidels. In summary, po-tay-to, poh-tah-to. Religions are very flexible.

  Scott Adams

  Love You, Reading, Book

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• I rank money higher than social life or meaning because once you have money, those other things are easier to get. For example, you won't have much of a social life if you can't afford to do anything. And you can't make money if your health is a mess.

  Scott Adams

  Example, Making Money, Social

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• Dogbert: Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf.
  Dilbert: How can they tell it's the golf gene?
  Dogbert: It's plaid and it lies.

  Scott Adams

  Lying, Golf, Science

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• One of the great things about being ignorant is that I often think my ideas are original. It's a wonderful feeling. That's why I try to avoid any knowledge that would spoil the sensation. Sometimes it isn't easy. People keep hurling knowledge at me, and I can't always duck.

  Scott Adams

  Knowledge, Thinking, Ideas

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• Simple molecules combine to make powerful chemicals. Simple cells combine to make powerful life-forms. Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. Logically, all things are created by a combination of simpler, less capable components. Therefore, a supreme being must be in our future, not our origin. What if "God" is the consciousness that will be created when enough of us are connected by the Internet?!!

  Scott Adams

  God, Powerful, Future

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• Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn.

  Scott Adams

  Blogging, Coworker, Turns

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• What does it mean to be yourself?” he asked. “If it means to do what you think you ought to do, then you’re doing that already. If it means to act like you’re exempt from society’s influence, that’s the worst advice in the world; you would probably stop bathing and wearing clothes. The advice to ‘be yourself’ is obviously nonsense. But our brains accept this tripe as wisdom because it is more comfortable to believe we have a strategy for life than to believe we have no idea how to behave.

  Scott Adams

  Being Yourself, Believe, Mean

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• Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the Patent Office would only have about fifty inventions.

  Scott Adams

  Science, Thinking, Office

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• The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it.

  Scott Adams

  Cutting, Half, Computer

  "An Interview with the 'Dilbert' Cartoonist Scott Adams" by Zachary Kanin, www.newyorker.com. October 27, 2008.

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• In fact, most people are being squeezed in their little cubicle, and their creativity is forced out elsewhere, because the company can't use it. The company is organized to get rid of variants.

  Scott Adams

  Creativity, People, Cubicles

  "AT WORK WITH: Scott Adams; Yes, Dilbert's Dad Has a Cubicle of His Own". Interview with Andy Meisler, www.nytimes.com. January 25, 1995.

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