Andy Kindler Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

  Andy Kindler

  Apology, Guy, Apologizing

  5 Copy quote

• They shouldn't call anything a boot camp unless you're going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won't let you come back until you're funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.

  Andy Kindler

  War, People, Boots

  4 Copy quote

• I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

  Andy Kindler

  Summer, Bisexual, Weather

  4 Copy quote

• Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

  Andy Kindler

  Christian, Jobs, Doctors

  5 Copy quote

• Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel.

  Andy Kindler

  Awards, Comedy, Made

  4 Copy quote

• George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don't get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There's no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.

  Andy Kindler

  Eye, Blood, Years

  4 Copy quote

• Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!

  Andy Kindler

  Bells, Telephones, Firsts

  4 Copy quote

• I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

  Andy Kindler

  Winning, Majors

  4 Copy quote

• I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.

  Andy Kindler

  Thinking, Laughing, Ferguson

  4 Copy quote

• Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.

  Andy Kindler

  Guy, Conan, Desks

  4 Copy quote

• Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

  Andy Kindler

  Milk, Should, Opening

  4 Copy quote

• Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch.

  Andy Kindler

  Roots, Bait, Watches

  4 Copy quote

• Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks.

  Andy Kindler

  Redneck, Guy, Crackers

  4 Copy quote

• Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped.

  Andy Kindler

  Car, Guy, Sidekicks

  4 Copy quote

• BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles.

  Andy Kindler

  Perseverance, Awards, Graduates

  4 Copy quote

• Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.

  Andy Kindler

  Pockets, Months, Hips

  4 Copy quote

• Kevin James is going to do a couple of specials. One's called It's Getting Muggy In Here.

  Andy Kindler

  Couple, Kevin

  4 Copy quote

• Eddie Izzard is doing his show in French... Will he be able to fake ad-lib as well in other languages? He's been speaking French for a while now, but he's talking about doing his act in German. Haven't the German people suffered enough?

  Andy Kindler

  Talking, People, Fake

  4 Copy quote

• I'm Jewish... We're a very nervous group. Paranoid. Anxiety-ridden. Maybe that Hitler thing made us a little jumpy. Nothing like a Holocaust to make you mind your Ps and Qs for a couple hundred years I always say.

  Andy Kindler

  Couple, Years, Holocaust

  5 Copy quote

• My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.

  Andy Kindler

  Running, Fighting, Blow

  4 Copy quote

• Judah Friedlander, I'm ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That's a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says 'there's a limit to how funny words on a hat can be'. And then move to a chapeau.

  Andy Kindler

  Moving, Thinking, Years

  4 Copy quote

• Entertainment Weekly said that Parks and Rec is the smartest comedy on tv. Call me when it's the funniest.

  Andy Kindler

  Parks And Rec, Entertainment, Tvs

  4 Copy quote

• I don't know what Tracy Morgan does on stage, but I can assure you it's no act.

  Andy Kindler

  Doe, Stage, Tracy

  4 Copy quote

• I'm still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I'm going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I'm going after Hitler.

  Andy Kindler

  Perfect, Machines, Aces

  5 Copy quote

• If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

  Andy Kindler

  Jesus, Believe, Thinking

  4 Copy quote

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