Maria Bamford Quotes

• If you're ever if you're ever thinking, “Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile?

  Maria Bamford

  Inspirational, Family, Distance

  60 Copy quote

• My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time

  Maria Bamford

  Cutting, Sitting, Therapists

  59 Copy quote

• If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite

  Maria Bamford

  Alive, Reason, Spite

  26 Copy quote

• I can't stand makeup commercials. 'Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?' No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat?

  Maria Bamford

  Eye, Makeup, Thinking

  27 Copy quote

• I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.

  Maria Bamford

  Funny, Paralyzed

  "The Now Show", 2006.

  28 Copy quote

• We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good.

  Maria Bamford

  Sometimes

  14 Copy quote

• Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.

  Maria Bamford

  Fun, Creating Things, People

  "Comedian Maria Bamford on her family" by Jarrett Bellini, www.cnn.com. June 17, 2011.

  35 Copy quote

• I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

  Maria Bamford

  Relationship, Kissing, Shopping

  "Comedy Central Presents (Maria Bamford)". TV Series, July 2, 2001.

  21 Copy quote

• I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

  Maria Bamford

  Jobs, Nice, Guy

  23 Copy quote

• Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.

  Maria Bamford

  Inspirational, Funny, Summer

  21 Copy quote

• Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love!

  Maria Bamford

  Thinking, Doing What You Love, Gross

  Source: www.avclub.com

  19 Copy quote

• My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.

  Maria Bamford

  Mom, Religious, Thinking

  21 Copy quote

• I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.

  Maria Bamford

  Needs, Rich, Share

  17 Copy quote

• Time flies when you are anxious!

  Maria Bamford

  Time, Time Flies, Anxious

  "Unwanted Thoughts Syndrome". Live album, April 21, 2009.

  5 Copy quote

• I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It's like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I'm doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better.

  Maria Bamford

  Buddhist, Jobs, Feel Better

  19 Copy quote

• Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

  Maria Bamford

  Children, Half, Cups

  14 Copy quote

• Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.

  Maria Bamford

  Worry, Rising, Want

  15 Copy quote

• I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone's listening.

  Maria Bamford

  Writing, Listening, Loud

  12 Copy quote

• People get really irritated by mental illness.

  Maria Bamford

  People, Irritated, Mental Illness

  "Stand-up Comedy and Mental Illness: A Conversation with Maria Bamford". Interview with David Haglund, www.slate.com. May 10, 2012.

  12 Copy quote

• Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices.

  Maria Bamford

  Voice, Hearing, Schizophrenia

  "Stand-up Comedy and Mental Illness: A Conversation with Maria Bamford". Interview with David Haglund, www.slate.com. May 10, 2012.

  6 Copy quote

• I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities... but their moods create weather.

  Maria Bamford

  Weather, Worship, Mood

  8 Copy quote

• I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because thats been said to me.

  Maria Bamford

  Character, Voice, Said

  9 Copy quote

• I would've been able to write anything about mental-health crises had I not felt good.

  Maria Bamford

  Writing, Crisis

  Source: www.avclub.com

  6 Copy quote

• I have trouble watching singers because they are so sincere.

  Maria Bamford

  Singers, Trouble, Sincere

  Interview with Jane Borden, www.timeout.com. June 18, 2009.

  6 Copy quote

• I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat - in honor of my father - when I'm impatient. It's very charming.

  Maria Bamford

  Father, People, Honor

  6 Copy quote

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