Trust everybody, but cut the cards.
The past always looks better than it was; it's only pleasant because it isn't here.
That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.
Stories are meant to comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.
A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case.
No, sir, th' dimmycratic party ain't on speakin' terms with itsilf. Whin ye see two men with white neckties go into a sthreet car an' set in opposite corners while wan mutthers Thraiter an' th' other hisses Miscreent ye can bet they're two dimmycratic leaders thryin' to reunite th' gran' ol' party.
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
Drink never made a man better, but it has made many a man think he was better.
I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.
I niver knew a pollytician to go wrong ontil he's been contaminated by contact with a business man.
It is more comfortable to feel that we are a slight improvement on a monkey than such a fallin' off from the angels.
It [Thanksgiving] was founded by the Puritans to give thanks for bein' preserved from the Indians, an' we keep it to give thanks we are preserved from the Puritans.
A man that'd expict to thrain lobsters to fly in a year is called a loonytic; but a man that thinks men can be tur-rned into angels by an iliction is called a rayformer an' remains at large.
Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's a pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it.
High finance isn't burglary or obtaining money by false pretenses, but rather a judicious selection from the best features of those fine arts.
Freedom is like drink. If you take any at all, you might as well take enough to make you happy for a while.
The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.
What is instinct? It is the natural tendency in one when filled with dismay to turn to his wife.
Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals.
To most people a savage nation is wan that doesn't wear oncomf'rtable clothes.
Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.
An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.
When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
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