Bob Monkhouse Quotes

Quotes about:

• I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Dad, Sleep, Passengers

  "Bob Monkhouse" by Dennis Barker, www.theguardian.com. December 30, 2003.

  13 Copy quote

• They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Clever, Smart

  24 Copy quote

• I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Horse, Funny Relationship, Wife

  23 Copy quote

• Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Growing Up, Humor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  64 Copy quote

• I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Wife, Alarms

  They're not laughing now ..., www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

  22 Copy quote

• When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

  Bob Monkhouse

  Drawing, Boards, Inventor

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

  12 Copy quote

• Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Life, Humor

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

  29 Copy quote

• It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Age

  11 Copy quote

• With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Sex, Years, Wife

  9 Copy quote

• My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Mom, Mother

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

  19 Copy quote

• If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

  Bob Monkhouse

  People, Sunglasses, Questions And Answers

  19 Copy quote

• My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Father, Humor

  21 Copy quote

• I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Sex, Distance

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

  7 Copy quote

• Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Silence

  Bob Monkhouse (1991). “The complete speaker's handbook”

  25 Copy quote

• I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  17 Copy quote

• A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Cat, Humor

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

  13 Copy quote

• Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Girl, Real, Real Happiness

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

  11 Copy quote

• My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

  Bob Monkhouse

  Love, Funny, Mother

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

  9 Copy quote

• Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny Marriage, Pay, Investment

  11 Copy quote

• What do gardeners do when they retire?

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Retirement, Humor

  17 Copy quote

• A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Feet

  13 Copy quote

• Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Laughter, Nice, Missing

  "Obituary". web.archive.org. December 30, 2003.

  16 Copy quote

• The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Archer, Humor

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

  18 Copy quote

• Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Homeless

  10 Copy quote

• I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

  Bob Monkhouse

  Laughing, Comedian, Wanted

  17 Copy quote

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