Bob Monkhouse Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Growing Up, Humor

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Life, Humor

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

• Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Silence

  Bob Monkhouse (1991). “The complete speaker's handbook”

• They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Clever, Smart

• My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Father, Humor

• My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Mom, Mother

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

• I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Wife, Alarms

  They're not laughing now ..., www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

• What do gardeners do when they retire?

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Retirement, Humor

• I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Guarantees That

  Bob Monkhouse (2012). “Crying With Laughter: My Life Story”, p.329, Random House

• I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Sex, Humor

• I got my start in silent radio.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Radio

• My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Wife

• A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Feet

• A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Cat, Humor

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

• Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Homeless

• Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, College

• My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

  Bob Monkhouse

  Love, Funny, Mother

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

• I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Sex, Distance

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

• The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Archer, Humor

  "They're not laughing now". www.theguardian.com. December 29, 2003.

• It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Age

• I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

  Bob Monkhouse

  Funny, Humor, Home

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