Sarah Silverman Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I got jury duty and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Hate, Writing

  "Conan" with Conan O'Brien, July 11, 2001.

• I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say?

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Cheating, Humor

  "The Sarah Silverman Program". Comedy, 2007–2010.

• People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Hate, Humor

  "Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic". Documentary, Comedy, Music, 2005.

• Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Jesus, Humor

  "Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic". Documentary, Comedy, Music, www.imdb.com. 2005.

• The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Baby, Teenager

  "Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic". www.imdb.com. 2005.

• I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Real, Humor

  Rolling Stone magazine, November 03, 2005.

• And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Space, Molecules

• When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Humor, Giving

  "Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic". www.imdb.com. 2005.

• I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Girl, Doctors

  "Sarah Silverman: 'There are jokes I made 15 years ago I would absolutely not make today'". Interview with Sophie Heawood, www.theguardian.com. November 19, 2017.

• I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Wrestling, Humor

  Comedy Central Roast, August 14, 2005.

• I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Humor, Comedy

• Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Dream, Kings

• Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  "Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic", www.imdb.com. 2005.

• I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Humor, Compliment

  "Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic", www.imdb.com. 2005.

• Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Sarah Silverman (2010). “The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee”, p.46, Faber & Faber

• You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Humor, People

• I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Niece, Humor

  "Sarah Silverman: Jesus Is Magic". www.imdb.com. 2005.

• I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Gay, White

• She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Niece, Believe

• Look at the people who are kind of the funniest cultures, they're the cultures of the people who have been the most oppressed, black people and Jews. Not that they're the only funny people, but culturally, it comes from the pain, you know?

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Pain, People

  "Sarah Silverman isn't afraid to offend". www.today.com. September 13, 2005.

• I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Humor, Comedy

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Humor, Holocaust

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Humor

• I was going to get an abortion the other day.
  I totally wanted an abortion.
  And it turns out I was just thirsty.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Humor, Abortion

  "Are you sitting uncomfortably?" by Oliver Burkeman, www.theguardian.com. October 10, 2008.

• I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.

  Sarah Silverman

  Funny, Humor, Love Is

  "A Comic Sweet as Punch". www.washingtonpost.com. November 18, 2005.

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