I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.
She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time.
That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.
The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.
You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it.
Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.
I feel so confident and awesome and sexy when I'm with people who are older than me, and I've always been surrounded by people who are older than me. But to be vital in comedy, you have to exist in a world that's dominated by young people.
I first did stand-up when I was 17, and then I passed out fliers for a comedy club (in New York City) and I got onstage whenever I could. And musical theater went out the window as soon as I started doing stand-up.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
Everyone's got their own velocity, and there's no real time frame with comedy.
Comedy can't live within my second-guesses, so I started doing new material. Sometimes I bombed. But you have to be willing to if you want to move forward and stay vital. It's like people who take pride in not having a computer. I'm all, "Great, don't learn new things! Your brain is full!"
By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live.
There are so many great comedies, right now. I like how comedies are really mixing. They're not just one thing. It can be very moving and dramatic, and yet hilarious.
I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.
When I was three, my dad thought it would be hilarious to teach me swear words, then have me say them to his friends. They would laugh and laugh. I realize now the laugh was pure shock value, but it felt really good, and I've been chasing it ever since.
I don't think comedy comes from hotbeds of doing shtick. I think it usually comes from some kind of childhood humiliation or darkness.
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
Comedy is about talking about my own experience, and I'm a woman, and that's my experience, and just because it isn't yours doesn't invalidate it.
I really think everything is fair game.
If you decide to do comedy that involves risk, risk means risk, and you can't complain of flesh wounds if you sit down at the table to play.
And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.
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