Humorists Quotes

You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

Will Rogers

Funny, Humorous, Party

Will Rogers (1983). “Radio broadcasts of Will Rogers”, Oklahoma State Univ Pr

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If at first you don't succeed-try, try again. Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.

Robert Orben

Motivational, Success, Failure

74 Copy quote
I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.

Mark Twain

Inspirational, Life, Positive

20 Copy quote
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Henny Youngman

Sarcastic, Years, Two

32 Copy quote
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Mark Twain

Love, Funny, Motivational

Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.121, Courier Corporation

93 Copy quote

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Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Will Rogers

Inspirational, Funny, Life

"The Graduation Speech I'd Give, if Anyone Asked" by Karina Bland, www.azcentral.com. June 03, 2015.

337 Copy quote

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Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

Will Rogers

Inspirational, Life, Positive

191 Copy quote
Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

Charles Addams

Spiders, Normalcy, Chaos

78 Copy quote
The best things in life aren't things.

Art Buchwald

Love, Inspirational, Life

96 Copy quote
Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.

Mark Twain

Getting Older, Complaining, Growing

210 Copy quote
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Terry Pratchett

Funny, Life, Intelligent

60 Copy quote
It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

Garrison Keillor

Inspirational, Life, Adversity

27 Copy quote
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people - that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.

James Thurber

Nature, Fun, People

Interview with Edward R. Murrow on "Small World", CBS-TV, March 25, 1959.

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The secret of getting ahead is getting started

Mark Twain

Inspirational, Life, Motivational

159 Copy quote
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Mark Twain

Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic

Quoted in More Maxims of Mark, ed. Merle Johnson (1927)

123 Copy quote

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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Mark Twain

Inspirational, Motivational, Change

Mark Twain (2016). “The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain”, p.97, Chartwell

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Success in life has nothing to do with what you gain in life or accomplish for yourself. It's what you do for others.

Danny Thomas

Life, Motivational, Success

99 Copy quote
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Mark Twain

Funny, Cute, God

Mark Twain (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)”, p.9262, Delphi Classics

116 Copy quote

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He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

Douglas Adams

Funny, Dream, Wife

Douglas Adams (2009). “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe”, p.53, Pan Macmillan

25 Copy quote

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The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

Mark Twain

Inspirational, Life, Motivational

991 Copy quote
People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'

Dylan Moran

Encouragement, People, Comedian

86 Copy quote
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

Mark Twain

Funny, Change, Politics

1907 Copy quote
Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.

Robin Williams

Sad, Tired, Boys

83 Copy quote
Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

Jim Gaffigan

Comedian, Likes, Remember

FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Apr 24, 2012

60 Copy quote

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It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

Will Rogers

Funny, Humor, Government

24 Copy quote