Humorists Quotes - Page 5

• Once I talked to the inmates of an insane asylum in Hartford. I have talked to idiots a thousand times, but only once to the insane.

  Mark Twain

  Insanity, Crazy People, Insane

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• Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night.
  I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
  If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
  I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
  Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.

  Woody Allen

  Love, Funny, Beautiful

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• They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

  Bill Hicks

  Life, Smoking, Comedian

  "Dark Poet". Stand-up show, 1991.

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• Man is kind enough when he is not excited by religion

  Mark Twain

  Religious, Kindness, Men

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.402, Courier Corporation

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• If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Inspiring, Thankful

  Pudd'nhead Wilson ch. 16, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" (1894)

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• I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

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• Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  Ambrose Bierce (2001). “The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary”, p.155, University of Georgia Press

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• Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not.

  David Thorne

  Funny, Opportunity, Interesting

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• I am only human, although I regret it.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Regret, Humorous

  Mark Twain (2012). “The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations”, p.5, Courier Corporation

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• Being made merely in the image of God but not otherwise resembling him enough to be mistaken by anybody but a very near sighted person.

  Mark Twain

  God, Differences, Editors

  Mark Twain (1972). “Everyone's Mark Twain”

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• It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.

  Douglas Adams

  Funny, Humorous, Hands

  Douglas Adams (2014). “Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency”, p.5, Simon and Schuster

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• Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

  Drew Carey

  Funny, Sarcastic, Jobs

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• The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Humorous, Cat

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain’s Letters & Speeches (Annotated Edition)”, p.706, Jazzybee Verlag

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• Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Sarcastic, Children

  Twitter post from Apr 09, 2014

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• Well, my book is written-let it go. But if it were only to write over again there wouldn't be so many things left out. They burn in me; and they keep multiplying; but now they can't ever be said. And besides, they would require a library-and a pen warmed up in hell.

  Mark Twain

  Letting Go, Book, Writing

  Mark Twain (1929). “Mark Twain's Letters”, p.284, Jazzybee Verlag

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• Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.

  Peter Ustinov

  Love, Life, Marriage

  "Ustinov's comic touch". BBC obituary, news.bbc.co.uk. March 29, 2004.

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• But in this country we have one great privilege which they don't have in other countries. When a thing gets to be absolutely unbearable the people can rise up and throw it off. That's the finest asset we've got - the ballot box.

  Mark Twain

  Country, Usa, People

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• In my more pompous moments I like to think of myself as a writer rather than a humorist, but I suppose that's merely the vanity of advancing age.

  S. J. Perelman

  Thinking, Vanity, Age

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• It was a strange man, a kind of black humorist, a true philosopher. One day he said: "If my books could ensure an increase in the number of murders, well, it will mean that they have been quite useful in some way or another."

  William C. Brown

  Book, Mean, Men

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• The humorist has a good eye for the humbug; he does not always recognize the saint.

  W. Somerset Maugham

  Humor, Eye, Doe

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• I am billed as a humorist, but of course I am a tragedian at heart.

  Will Cuppy

  Heart, Courses

  "Twentieth Century Authors". Book by Stanley J. Kunitz and Howard Haycraft, 1942.

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• When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

  Johnny Carson

  Thoughtful, Issues, Finding Yourself

  Source: www.alex-haley.com

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• City wits, country humorists.

  Mason Cooley

  Funny, Country, Cities

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• If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

  George Burns

  Laughing, Comedian, Littles

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• All great humorists are sad... I cannot help seeing beyond the tinsel of humour, and recognising the pitiful basis of jest - the world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind.

  H. P. Lovecraft

  World, Helping, Comic

  "Collected Essays, Volume 5: Philosophy" edited by S. T. Joshi, (p. 54), 2006.

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