Funny Thoughts Quotes

• The elevator to success is out of order. You'll have to use the stairs... one step at a time.

  Joe Girard

  Inspirational, Motivational, Inspiring

  Joe Girard, Robert Casemore (1979). “How to Sell Yourself”, Simon & Schuster

  190 Copy quote

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• Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

  Oscar Wilde

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Oscar Wilde (1947). “The Happy Prince”, p.16, New Line Publishing

  135 Copy quote

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• We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Life, Motivational, Positive

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  627 Copy quote

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• 

  People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

  Isaac Asimov

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  "The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

  386 Copy quote

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• Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

  Erica Jong

  Funny, Being Strong, Spiritual

  FaceBook post by Erica Jong from Oct 02, 2015

  135 Copy quote

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• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

  Erma Bombeck

  Inspirational, Funny, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  100 Copy quote

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• Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

  Margaret Mead

  Inspirational, Funny, Inspiring

  265 Copy quote

• When the going gets tough, the tough reinvent.

  RuPaul

  Change, Naps, Tough Times

  RuPaul (2010). “Workin' It!: RuPaul's Guide to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Style”, p.22, Harper Collins

  86 Copy quote

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  Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  Abraham Lincoln (1982). “Abraham Lincoln, wisdom & wit”, Peter Pauper Pr

  840 Copy quote

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• When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

  Albert Einstein

  Funny, Girl, Witty

  "News Chronicle" (March 14, 1949), as cited by "The Columbia World of Quotations", 1996.

  30 Copy quote

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• He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

  Larry the Cable Guy

  Thinking, Laughing, Lasts

  37 Copy quote

• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  Alan Dundes

  Inspirational, Funny, Christmas

  2243 Copy quote

• When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.

  Erma Bombeck

  Naps, Tough Times, Chocolate

  28 Copy quote

• When the going gets tough, the tough get a librarian.

  Joan Bauer

  Reading, Book, Naps

  18 Copy quote

• You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Laughter, Humorous

  431 Copy quote

• When the going gets tough, the tough take a nap.

  Tom Hodgkinson

  Sleep, Naps, Tough Times

  "Idle thoughts" by Tom Hodgkinson, www.theguardian.com. July 28, 2006.

  11 Copy quote

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• A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

  Robert Frost

  Inspirational, Funny, Witty

  48 Copy quote

• You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

  Germaine Greer

  Life, Happy Birthday, Happiness

  281 Copy quote

• When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.

  Albert Einstein

  Love, Girl, Funny Inspirational

  7 Copy quote

• An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Get Well Soon, Health, Italian

  James C. Humes, Benjamin Franklin (1995). “The wit and wisdom of Benjamin Franklin: a treasury of more than 900 quotations and anecdotes”, Harpercollins

  86 Copy quote

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• Don't take life too seriously.

  RuPaul

  Life, Sarcastic, Funny Inspirational

  RuPaul (2010). “Workin' It!: RuPaul's Guide to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Style”, p.12, Harper Collins

  24 Copy quote

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• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

  Albert Einstein

  Drinking, Alcohol, Inventory

  121 Copy quote

• The elevator to success is out of order, but the stairs are always open.

  Zig Ziglar

  Inspirational, Funny Motivational, Funny Work

  65 Copy quote

• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  Dorothy Parker

  Funny, Anniversary, Valentines Day

  102 Copy quote

• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Witty, Time

  698 Copy quote