Funny Sarcastic Quotes

• A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  41 Copy quote
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  To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.

  Thomas Paine

  Funny, 4th Of July, Medicine

  521 Copy quote

• If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

  Dean Martin

  Retirement, Drinking, Book

  "Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004.

  147 Copy quote

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• Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

  Will Smith

  Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

  96 Copy quote

• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

  Dave Barry

  Book, Drinking, Beer

  Dave Barry (2012). “The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry”, p.112, Andrews McMeel Publishing

  23 Copy quote

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• Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

  Henny Youngman

  Sarcastic, Years, Two

  32 Copy quote

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  53 Copy quote

• A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Sarcastic, Money

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  348 Copy quote

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• I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.

  Jim Carrey

  Beautiful, Alcohol, Drug

  16 Copy quote

• I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

  William Shakespeare

  Sarcastic, Witty, Funny Life

  348 Copy quote
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  A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.

  Hugh Sidey

  Funny, Happiness, Happy

  53 Copy quote

• I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.442, Courier Corporation

  17 Copy quote

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• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

  68 Copy quote

• When a hunter is in a tree stand with high moral values and with the proper hunting ethics and richer for the experience, that hunter is 20 feet closer to God.

  Fred Bear

  God, Sarcastic, Hunting

  78 Copy quote
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  Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Funny, Life, Drinking

  119 Copy quote

• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  George Burns

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  150 Copy quote

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• I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

  Joe E. Lewis

  Funny, Drinking, Beer

  Recalled on his death, 4 Jun1971.

  77 Copy quote

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  When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it.

  Clarence Darrow

  Funny, Sarcastic, Believe

  Quoted in Irving Stone, Clarence Darrow for the Defense (1941)

  1443 Copy quote

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• Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.

  Carl Jung

  Drinking, Recovery, Overcoming Addiction

  Memories, Dreams, Reflections ch. 12 (1962)

  102 Copy quote

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• I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

  Richard Pryor

  Smell, Drug Addiction, Way

  138 Copy quote

• Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

  P. J. O'Rourke

  Inspirational, Funny, Money

  P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government”, p.24, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

  122 Copy quote

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• Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.

  Ira Glass

  Funny, Humorous, Enough

  37 Copy quote

• If you think research is expensive, try disease!

  Mary Lasker

  Sarcastic, Thinking, Trying

  "The Lasker Legacy". www.laskerfoundation.org.

  63 Copy quote

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• All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

  George Orwell

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  Animal Farm ch. 10 (1945) See Bierce 141

  93 Copy quote

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• A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  20 Copy quote