Funeral Quotes - Page 15

• I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

  Mike Birbiglia

  Funny, Cocky, Humor

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• I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

  Daniel Tosh

  Funny, Humor, Talking

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• Boros is not with the team today because he's attending his daughter's funeral. Oh, wait, it's her wedding.

  Jerry Coleman

  Funny, Baseball, Daughter

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• God is coming to intersect us in our funeral processions.

  Louie Giglio

  Procession

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• Marriage. It's a hard term to define. Especially for me--I've ducked it like root canal. Still there's no denying the fact that marriage ranks right up there with birth and death as one of the three biggies in the human safari. It's the only one though that we'll celebrate with a conscious awareness. Very few of you remember your arrival and even fewer of you will attend your own funeral.

  Andrew Schneider

  Roots, Biggie, Facts

  "Fictional character: Chris Stevens". "Northern Exposure/ Our Wedding", www.imdb.com. 1992.

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• Don't worry about a sugar planter. Give him a horse and he'll ride to his own funeral.

  Curt Siodmak

  Horse, Giving, Worry

  "Fictional character: Mrs. Rand". "I Walked with a Zombie", www.imdb.com. 1943.

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• Many species of wit are quite mechanical; these are the favorites of witlings, whose fame in words scarce outlives the remembrance of their funeral ceremonies.

  Johann Georg Ritter von Zimmermann

  Remembrance, Fame, Wit

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• Death doesn't affect the living because it has not happened yet. Death doesn't concern the dead because they have ceased to exist.

  W. Somerset Maugham

  Inspirational, Life, Death

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• Let no one pay me honor with tears, nor celebrate my funeral rites with weeping.

  Quintus Ennius

  Honor, Tears, Pay

  As quoted in "Tusculanae Disputationes" by Cicero, Book I, chapter XV, section 34,

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• ... the introduction of the doctrine of polygamy was the first time in my life that I desired the grave, and I could hardly get over it for a long time. And when I saw a funeral, I felt to envy the corpse its situation.

  Brigham Young

  Long, Envy, Doctrine

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• Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.

  David Letterman

  Fighting, Two, Presidential

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• My first company was MicroSolutions. I worked 20 hours a day. I didn't take a vacation for 7 years. I didn't even take the time to read a fiction book. It was all about work. When I sold it, I promised myself I would never wear a watch and only wear a suit to weddings, funerals and to meet the President.

  Mark Cuban

  Book, Vacation, Years

  Interview with Ryan Babikian, elitedaily.com. May 30, 2012.

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• We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

  Anthony Jeselnik

  Funny, Brother, Humor

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• When you attend a funeral, It is sad to think that sooner o' Later those you love will do the same for you. And you may have thought it tragic, Not to mention other adjec- Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do. (But don't you worry.

  Tom Lehrer

  Thinking, Worry, May

  Song: We Will All Go Together When We Go, Album: More of Tom Lehrer

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• I've always found the most tragic things funny. I was always the guy laughing at the funeral.

  Andrew Gurland

  Laughing, Guy, Found

  "Married showrunner Andrew Gurland is the guy laughing at the funeral". Interview with Erik Adams, tv.avclub.com. September 10, 2015.

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• When you're at your own parents' funeral, when you're at somebody that you love's funeral, you realize how precious life is. And you say, "As long as I can walk and I'm healthy, there's always tomorrow."

  Andrew Dice Clay

  Long, Parent, Healthy

  Source: collider.com

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• The human brain cannot release enough neurotransmitters to feel emotion a thousand times as strong as the grief of one funeral. A prospective risk going from 10,000,000 deaths to 100,000,000 deaths does not multiply by ten the strength of our determination to stop it. It adds one more zero on paper for our eyes to glaze over.

  Eliezer Yudkowsky

  Determination, Strong, Zero

  "Global Catastrophic Risks". Chapter: "Cognitive Biases Potentially Affecting Judgment of Global Risks". Book edited by Nick Bostrom and Milan M. Cirkovic, 2008.

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• There whil'st the world prov'd prodigal of breath, the headless trunks lay prostrated in heaps; this field of funerals sacred unto death, did paint out horror in most hideous shapes: whil'st men unhors'd, horses unmast'red, stray'd, some call'd on those whom they most dearly lov'd, some rag'd, some groan'd, some sigh'd, roar'd, promis'd, pray'd, as blows, falls, faintness, pain, hope, anguish mov'd.

  William Alexander, 1st Earl of Stirling

  Horse, Pain, War

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• After Auschwitz, I no longer cry at funerals.

  Charlotte Delbo

  Cry, Auschwitz

  Charlotte Delbo (1995). “Auschwitz and After”, p.339, Yale University Press

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• I built a cannon out of ice, and wrapped myself in the funeral carpet which my husbands and wives had woven for me out of their own hair, and one of my wives was my gunner. I came back here, after many adventures, and once, when I'd been drinking, donated the funeral carpet to the national museum. When I was sober again, I asked for it back, but they claimed not to know what I was talking about.

  Kelly Link

  Husband, Drinking, Adventure

  Kelly Link, Shelley Jackson (2005). “Magic for Beginners”, p.62, Small Beer Press

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• Bill Clinton was doing Ku Klux Klan grand kleagel jokes at Byrd's funeral, saying, Oh, Robert C. Byrd, he used the - he was the grand kleagel. He just did what he had to do.

  Sean Hannity

  Ku Klux Klan, Bills, Clinton

  Source: www.foxnews.com

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• Every funeral may justly be considered as a summons to prepare for that state into which it shows us that we must some time enter; and the summons is more loud and piercing as the event of which it warns us is at less distance. To neglect at any time preparation for death is to sleep on our post at a siege; but to omit it in old age is to sleep at an attack.

  Lyndon B. Johnson

  Distance, Sleep, Preparation

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• View your life from your funeral, looking back at your life experiences, what have you accomplished? What would you have wanted to accomplish but didn't? What were the happy moments? What were the sad? What would you do again, and what you wouldn't

  Viktor E. Frankl

  Happiness, Spiritual, Views

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• I foresee a great funeral contest over me.

  Alexander the Great

  Last Words, Contests

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• Everyone has experienced laughing at a funeral, and not even inappropriately. It could be a response to a moment of absurdity or some fond memory. We're human beings so we understand that laughter and crying aren't always disparate emotions.

  Harold Ramis

  Laughter, Memories, Laughing

  Source: www.ericspitznagel.com

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