Ems Quotes - Page 28

• As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Strong, Humor

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• I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Cutting

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• I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Cutting

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• When I first started I didn't know a lot about the job, so I kinda had to figure it out by wire, ya know? It was hit and miss, I made mistakes, and fortunately I was able to recover from most of 'em. But I promised myself if I ever get to a point where I can help somebody that's trying to learn how to do this, that I would try to do that.

  Billy Joel

  Jobs, Mistake, Missing

  "Backstage With Billy Joel: The Billboard Cover Story Interview (Exclusive)". Interview with Ray Waddell, www.billboard.com. January 31, 2014.

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• I've always said about 50% of what happens at a concert has to do with the audience. If you play for a dead audience you're gonna stink. If we play for a great crowd we're much better. You want 'em to make noise. It's kinda like sex, if they don't make noise, you ain't doin' it right.

  Billy Joel

  Sex, Play, Crowds

  "Backstage With Billy Joel: The Billboard Cover Story Interview (Exclusive)". Interview with Ray Waddell, www.billboard.com. January 31, 2014.

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• Babies don't know who's rich and who's poor. You love 'em and they're happy.

  Chris Rock

  Baby, Rich, Poor

  Source: www.oprah.com

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• A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.

  Bill Cosby

  Funny, Pain, Children

  "Bill Cosby: Himself". www.imdb.com. 1983.

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• I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

  Chris Rock

  Funny, Hate, Humor

  "Bring the Pain". Documentary, Comedy, 1996.

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• There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Giving

  30 Copy quote

• I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Sleep

  "Comedy Central Presents (Demetri Martin)". TV Series, www.imdb.com. March 19, 2004.

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• Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

  Doug Stanhope

  Funny, Baby, Humor

  "Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero". Comedy, 2004.

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• I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Glasses

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• Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Animal

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• I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Glasses

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• I know that women are smarter than men. I don't wanna sound like I'm on a bandwagon for chicks but I do love 'em, can't front. Women are smarter than men. I know I gotta lot of chicks up my sleeve but you guys are twice as good.

  ASAP Rocky

  Men, Guy, Sound

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• I'm a firm believer in that there are MCs and there are artists. I love' em both.

  Kurupt

  Artist, Firm, Believer

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• You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Thinking, Two

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• When you're with somebody for some years, sometimes you need a break from 'em. You grow in different directions.

  Lil Jon

  Years, Different, Needs

  Source: www.complex.com

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• The past situation has just occurred and the future situation has not yet manifested itself so there is a gap between the two. This is basically the bardo (life between life) experience. [This is the place where your life is reviewed - where you get another chance to let life teach you and end the cycle of pain. -EM]

  Chogyam Trungpa

  Karma, Pain, Past

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• Roman matrons used to say to their sons: 'Come back with your shield or on it.' Later on, this custom declined. So did Rome... (but not before it created an Empire that changed the world -EM).

  Robert A. Heinlein

  Leadership, Courage, Son

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• One thing I love to do is produce. I've produced a couple of bands. I mean, nothing ever really happened with 'em, but I enjoy getting a young band into the studio and guiding them, and making them feel at ease.

  Ace Frehley

  Couple, Mean, Band

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• She once used me with that insolence, that in revenge I took her to pieces; sifted her, and separated her failings; I studied 'em, and got 'em by rote. The catalogue was so large, that I was not without hopes, one day or other to hate her heartily.

  William Congreve

  Revenge, Hate, One Day

  1700 The Way of the World, act 1, sc.3.

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• Boom, boom, foom, poom! He just ran right at 'em!

  John Madden

  Funny, Football, Nfl

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• Though snails are exceedingly slow,
  There is one thing I'd like to know.
  If I out run 'em round the yard,
  How come they beat me to the chard?

  Allen Klein

  Running, Garden, Yards

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• And friends of mine that had photography class in high school would develop the film and make prints and I'd take them back to the track and give 'em away or try and sell them. Much to my parents' dismay, I majored in photography in college.

  John Sexton

  Photography, School, College

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