Black Humor Quotes

• Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

  Terry Pratchett

  Funny, Life, Intelligent

  60 Copy quote

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Hilarious

  260 Copy quote

• The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

  Abraham Lincoln

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  Abraham Lincoln (1992). “The Wit and Wisdom of Abraham Lincoln”, Plume

  646 Copy quote

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• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Beauty, Crazy

  1453 Copy quote

• I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.

  Mel Brooks

  Psychics, Vulgarity Is, Bullshit

  "Mel Brooks Honored With AFI Life Achievement Award" by Gregg Kilday, www.hollywoodreporter.com. June 7, 2013.

  96 Copy quote

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• The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

  Al McGuire

  Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

  647 Copy quote

• The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.

  David Foster Wallace

  Inspirational, Truth, Freedom

  "Infinite Jest". Book by David Foster Wallace, February 1, 1996.

  38 Copy quote

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• After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

  William S. Burroughs

  Funny, Hilarious, Witty

  William S. Burroughs (1993). “The Adding Machine: Selected Essays”, p.125, Arcade Publishing

  196 Copy quote

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• You have to accept the fact that sometimes you are the pigeon, and sometimes you are the statue.

  Claude Chabrol

  Pigeons, Facts, Sometimes

  92 Copy quote

• Just tell the truth, and they'll accuse you of writing black humor.

  Charles Willeford

  Writing, Black, Telling The Truth

  51 Copy quote
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  I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

  Johnny Carson

  Death, Sex, Drinking

  84 Copy quote

• Say what you want about the deaf.

  Jimmy Carr

  Nihilism, Want, Deaf

  Jimmy Carr, Lucy Greeves (2006). “Only Joking: What's So Funny About Making People Laugh?”, p.128, Penguin

  82 Copy quote

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• The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

  Bill Watterson

  Inspirational, Funny, Sarcastic

  1044 Copy quote
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  When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Death, Hilarious

  2392 Copy quote
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  The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Heart

  "Why Demetri Martin's new show is an Important Thing not to miss" by Will Dean, www.theguardian.com. September 24, 2009.

  78 Copy quote

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• Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth.

  Mike Tyson

  Money, Failure, Boxing

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  32 Copy quote

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• I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

  Hunter S. Thompson

  Weed, Hate, Drinking

  FaceBook post by Hunter S. Thompson from Jul 15, 2014

  89 Copy quote

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• Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

  Demetri Martin

  Jealous, Laughing, Bird

  Twitter post from Jul 28, 2013

  7 Copy quote

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  If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

  Tallulah Bankhead

  Funny, Life, Witty

  "Tallulah: My Autobiography". Book by Tallulah Bankhead, 1952.

  81 Copy quote

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• Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

  Anton Chekhov

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

  Ivanov I

  167 Copy quote

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• You can't slit the throat of everyone whose character it would improve.

  Al Swearengen

  Character, Pimp, Criminals

  "Fictional character: Al Swearengen". "Deadwood" TV series, Season 1, Episode 10: "Mister Wu", May 23, 2004.

  95 Copy quote

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• Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Badass, Anger

  H. L. Mencken, Marion Elizabeth Rodgers (2010). “H.L. Mencken: Prejudices: First, Second, and Third Series”, Hubsta Ltd

  124 Copy quote

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• No real estate is permanently valuable but the grave.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Death, Real

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.8, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

  11 Copy quote

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• I found my personal style in black humor and mixing funny things with very touching ones - like trying to force people to cry and smile almost at the same moment.

  Malgorzata Szumowska

  Funny Things, People, Touching

  Source: blogs.indiewire.com

  7 Copy quote

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• I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

  Jon Stewart

  Funny, Thanksgiving, Holiday

  89 Copy quote