Norm MacDonald Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

  Norm MacDonald

  Men, Thinking, Evil

  24 Copy quote

• Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.

  Norm MacDonald

  Over You, May, Lasts

  7 Copy quote

• If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.

  Norm MacDonald

  Criticism, Faults, Bears

  4 Copy quote

• Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

  Norm MacDonald

  Practice, Principles

  6 Copy quote

• It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.

  Norm MacDonald

  Sports, Men, Rocks

  28 Copy quote

• You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?

  Norm MacDonald

  Dream, Men, Wake Up

  12 Copy quote

• There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

  Norm MacDonald

  Men, Two, Faults

  21 Copy quote

• Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!

  Norm MacDonald

  Jesus, Years, Albums

  10 Copy quote

• All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.

  Norm MacDonald

  Children, Spring, Kids

  55 Copy quote

• They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

  Norm MacDonald

  Ignorant, Fool, Consolation

  16 Copy quote

• I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.

  Norm MacDonald

  Lazy, Tvs, Necks

  54 Copy quote

• There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

  Norm MacDonald

  Practice, Two, Fool

  34 Copy quote

• I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

  Norm MacDonald

  Perfect, Would Be, Lines

  43 Copy quote

• We advise others better than ourselves.

  Norm MacDonald

  Advice, Advise

  17 Copy quote

• Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.

  Norm MacDonald

  Love, Opposites, People

  39 Copy quote

• Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

  Norm MacDonald

  Uncles, Lying, Men

  42 Copy quote

• RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.

  Norm MacDonald

  Rip, Amy, Today

  10 Copy quote

• My dad had this thing - everyone in Canada wants to play hockey; that's all they want to do. So when I was a kid, whenever we skated my dad would not let us on the ice without hockey sticks, because of this insane fear we would become figure skaters!

  Norm MacDonald

  Funny, Dad, Kids

  10 Copy quote

• He that searches for praise will often find contempt.

  Norm MacDonald

  Praise, Contempt

  14 Copy quote

• Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

  Norm MacDonald

  Men, Duplicity, Desire

  47 Copy quote

• All my life's about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn't cost very much money.

  Norm MacDonald

  Thinking, People, Dying

  27 Copy quote

• Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.

  Norm MacDonald

  Dog, Ideas, Guy

  31 Copy quote

• They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

  Norm MacDonald

  Like You, Alcoholics, Knows

  11 Copy quote

• It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

  Norm MacDonald

  Complaining, Failing, Vain

  20 Copy quote

• Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

  Norm MacDonald

  People, Deception, Venture

  11 Copy quote

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