Jen Lancaster Quotes

Quotes about:

• The best thing about being 45 is not taking myself so seriously. Do I miss the package I came in at 25? I do. Gravity is no one's friend. Yet the perspective I've gained is so worth the wear and tear. What would have mortified me at 25 is now simply fodder for a funny, relatable story. Also? I was a waitress at 25, and now I'm an author. Forty-five is definitely better.

  Jen Lancaster

  Perspective, Missing, Tears

  44 Copy quote

• I'm the person who says every single thing she thinks, sometimes to others' amusement, and almost always to my detriment.

  Jen Lancaster

  Thinking, Amusement, Sometimes

  Jen Lancaster (2010). “My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict's Attempt to Discover If Not Being A Dumb Ass Is t he New Black; Or, A Culture-Up Manifesto”, p.26, Penguin

  8 Copy quote

• I’m instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that’s when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.

  Jen Lancaster

  Thinking, Self, Keys

  16 Copy quote

• Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.

  Jen Lancaster

  Mind

  Jen Lancaster (2009). “Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase”, p.233, Penguin

  6 Copy quote

• I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career -- every woman needs a couple of chicks who'll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.

  Jen Lancaster

  Children, Couple, Careers

  Jen Lancaster (2012). “Jeneration X: One Reluctant Adult's Attempt to Unarrest Her Arrested Development; Or, Why It's Never Too Late for Her Dumb Ass to Learn Why Froot Loops Are Not for Dinner”, p.129, Penguin

  7 Copy quote

• For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I prefer to believe I was hatched, or perhaps purchased.

  Jen Lancaster

  Baby, Believe, Records

  Jen Lancaster (2009). “Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending,Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase”, p.167, Penguin

  6 Copy quote

• I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar rim) are proof that Jesus loves us.

  Jen Lancaster

  Religious, Jesus, Mean

  7 Copy quote

• Seriously, our nation is never going to be on the same page on issues like gun control, welfare, the economy, the environment, etc. I doubt we'll ever come to terms on tastes great or less filling and hybrids versus Hummers, and there will always be Yankees fans and Red Sox fans, and never the 'twain shall meet. Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.

  Jen Lancaster

  Gun, Yankees, Issues

  4 Copy quote

• Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

  Jen Lancaster

  Might, Salad, Ambien

  Jen Lancaster (2010). “My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict's Attempt to Discover If Not Being A Dumb Ass Is t he New Black; Or, A Culture-Up Manifesto”, p.114, Penguin

  5 Copy quote

• I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.

  Jen Lancaster

  Depth, Needs, Path

  Jen Lancaster (2007). “Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?”, p.227, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• Really? If I could hate my trainer? That would be ideal. I'd prefer to despise this person with the fire of ten thousand suns. So when I walk - nay, crawl - out of here at the end of my workouts, I want to lull myself to sleep by picturing my very talented and inspirational trainer getting hit by a bus. A bus that I am driving.

  Jen Lancaster

  Workout, Hate, Sleep

  Jen Lancaster (2007). “Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?”, p.352, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• I tried, it was hard, I quit, the end. Story of my life.

  Jen Lancaster

  Stories, Quitting, Ends

  Jen Lancaster (2010). “My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict's Attempt to Discover If Not Being A Dumb Ass Is t he New Black; Or, A Culture-Up Manifesto”, p.23, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.

  Jen Lancaster

  Believe, Taken, Choices

  Jen Lancaster (2012). “Jeneration X: One Reluctant Adult's Attempt to Unarrest Her Arrested Development; Or, Why It's Never Too Late for Her Dumb Ass to Learn Why Froot Loops Are Not for Dinner”, p.100, Penguin

  7 Copy quote

• Amen,' I exclaim, accidentally spitting out a Raisinet. I pick up the chocolate with a Kleenex and stuff it in my purse. Ten bucks says a month from now I'll have forgotten about it and will finally have said heart attack when I assume a rat shat in there.

  Jen Lancaster

  Heart, Chocolate, Bucks

  Jen Lancaster (2008). “Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pi e is Not The Answer”, p.88, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.

  Jen Lancaster

  Fitness, Party, Thinking

  Jen Lancaster (2008). “Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, Or Why Pi e is Not The Answer”, p.198, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.

  Jen Lancaster

  Best Effort, Perfect, Tiny

  Jen Lancaster (2006). “Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office”, p.17, Penguin

  5 Copy quote

• You think you're so cool just because you can walk!

  Jen Lancaster

  Thinking, Walks

  4 Copy quote

• As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.

  Jen Lancaster

  Mother, Book, Littles

  Jen Lancaster (2009). “Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending,Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase”, p.15, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes. Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad?" I'm not taking them off." Why not?" I spent $180 on that makeup job and I refuse to wash my face until I get my money's worth.

  Jen Lancaster

  Mom, Jobs, Makeup

  Jen Lancaster (2006). “Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office”, p.208, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

  Jen Lancaster

  Believe, Shopping, Ikea

  Jen Lancaster (2007). “Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?”, p.29, Penguin

  12 Copy quote

• No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning.

  Jen Lancaster

  Emotional, Mourning, Capacity

  Jen Lancaster (2006). “Bitter is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office”, p.104, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air

  Jen Lancaster

  Sleep, Air, Mind

  Jen Lancaster (2010). “My Fair Lazy: One Reality Television Addict's Attempt to Discover If Not Being A Dumb Ass Is t he New Black; Or, A Culture-Up Manifesto”, p.34, Penguin

  4 Copy quote

• I believe that I have such a vanilla life.

  Jen Lancaster

  Believe, Vanilla, I Believe

  68 Copy quote

• Expressing political opinion can be a powerful way to establish a character's voice when writing fiction.

  Jen Lancaster

  Powerful, Writing, Character

  4 Copy quote

• Everyone who reads me is someone I'd like to hang out with.

  Jen Lancaster

  Hanging Out

  5 Copy quote

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