Eddie Izzard Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Elephants, Acid

  "Eddie Izzard: Definite Article". Documentary, Comedy, 1996.

• Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Humorous, Gun

  Twitter post from Aug 24, 2014

• I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Sarcastic, Sarcasm

  "Eddie Izzard: Glorious". Documentary, www.imdb.com. 1997.

• I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Witty, Coffee

  "Eddie Izzard: Glorious". Video, www.imdb.com. 1997.

• Never put a sock in a toaster.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  Twitter post from Feb 21, 2015

• But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Dog, Sorry

• And the druids, they were into sex and death in an interesting night-time telly sort of way.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Sex, Night

  "Eddie Izzard: Definite Article". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 1996.

• There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Snowboarding, Two

  "Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill". www.imdb.com. 1999.

• I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Latin, Done

  "Eddie Izzard: Definite Article". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 1996.

• Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Kids, Scrabble

  "Eddie Izzard: Stripped". Documentary, Comedy, 2009.

• Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Philosophy, Two

  "Eddie Izzard: Live at the Ambassadors". Comedy, 1993.

• I am two lesbians in a man's body.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Men, Two

• "I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Dog, Eye

• Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ...' "

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Morning, Lunch

  "Eddie Izzard: Dress to Kill". Documentary, Comedy, 1998.

• No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying "Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?" "Yes, I would like tea. Why don't you put it on my breasts?" "Certainly. Tea for this man's breasts! Anything else, sir?"

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Makeup, Men

  "Eddie Izzard: Sexie". Documentary, Comedy, 2003.

• Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them all, I suppose.

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Crazy, Native American

  "Eddie Izzard: Circle". Documentary, Comedy, 2000.

• There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Army, Makeup

• Charles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 [gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You".

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Book, Interesting

  "Eddie Izzard: Stripped". Documentary, Comedy, 2009.

• If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete!

  Eddie Izzard

  Funny, Sarcastic, Block

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