Dave Attell Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Dad, Hate

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.

• You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Land

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

• Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Laughter, Humor

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy Album, 2003.

• Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Beautiful, Sex

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attell". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

• Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

  Dave Attell

  Funny, School, Humor

• So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Drunk

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album by Dave Attell, 2003.

• Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Growing Up, Dad

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, February 4, 2003.

• I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Sorry, Humor

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album by Dave Attell, 2003.

• What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Rivers

• Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Sex, Humor

  TV Series "Comedy Central Presents" ("Dave Attell", 1999), (1998– ).

• I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Girlfriend, Discovery

• The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. "Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait - don't run away!"

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Running, Discovery

• I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Reading, Humor

  "Skanks for the Memories". Comedy album, 2003.

• Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Fantasy

• Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Aspirin

• If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Baby, Jesus

• Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Girlfriend, Morning

• Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Stupid, Humor

• You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Machines

• Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Sports, Morning

  "Dave Attell: Captain Miserable". Documentary, Comedy, December 08, 2007.

• There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Giving

• You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Mother, Humor

  TV Series "Comedy Central Presents" ("Dave Attell", 1999), (1998– ).

• Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Crazy, Humor

  Studio album: "Skanks for the Memories", February 4, 2003.

• You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

  Dave Attell

  Funny, Humor, Men

  "Comedy Central Presents: Dave Attel". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

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