George Burns Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

  George Burns

  Love, Inspirational, Funny

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

• Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

  George Burns

  Funny, Success, Fake People
• 

  First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

  George Burns

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Humor

• If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

  George Burns

  Funny, Stress, Humor

  George Burns (1989). “How to live to be 100--or more: the ultimate diet, sex, and exercise book”, Plume

• Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

  George Burns

  Inspirational, Funny, Running

  Quoted in Life, Dec. 1979

• Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

  George Burns

  Funny, Teacher, Witty

• Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

  George Burns

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

• If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

  George Burns

  Funny, Birthday, Death

• I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

  George Burns

  Funny, Music, Scotch

  George Burns (1980). “Living It Up”, Berkley

• You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

  George Burns

  Funny, Hilarious, Retirement

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

  George Burns

  Funny, Witty, Humorous

  George Burns (1986). “Dear George: advice & answers from America's leading expert on everything from A to B”, G K Hall & Co

• At my age flowers scare me.

  George Burns

  Funny, Birthday, Flower

  George Burns (1991). “The Most of George Burns”, Bbs Publishing Corporation

• The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

  George Burns

  Funny, Life, Humor

• I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

  George Burns

  Funny, Witty, Complaining

• When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

  George Burns

  Funny, Here I Am, Age

  "Just You and Me Kid", 1979.

• Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

  George Burns

  Funny, God, Humorous

• It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

  George Burns

  Funny, Sex, Dirty

• When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

  George Burns

  Funny, Humor, Doctors

• Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

  George Burns

  Funny, Humor, Good Woman

  "It's a Great Deal, All Three of Me Think So". Book by Bruce A. Rosenblat, 2009.

• How can I die? I'm booked.

  George Burns

  Funny, Humor, Age

• I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

  George Burns

  Funny, Life, Witty

• I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

  George Burns

  Funny, Drinking, Fall

• I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

  George Burns

  Funny, Humorous, Kids

• In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

  George Burns

  Funny, Humor, Ice

  George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

• Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

  George Burns

  Funny, Humorous, Reality

  George Burns, Hal Goldman (1992). “Wisdom of the 90s”, Perigee Books

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