Dennis Miller Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• My fear of flying starts as soon as I buckle myself in and then the guy up front mumbles a few unintelligible words then before I know it I'm thrust into the back of my seat by acceleration that seems way too fast and the rest of the trip is an endless nightmare of turbulence, of near misses. And then the cabbie drops me off at the airport.

  Dennis Miller

  Inspirational, Funny, Travel

• The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Quilts, Humor

• A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Running, Humor

• I rant, therefore I am

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Life, Witty

• Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Atheist, Humor

• There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Long Distance Relationship, Witty

• Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Cat

• Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Ideas

• Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Letting Go, Humor

• The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humorous, Iraq

• Bad television is three things: a bullet train to a morally bankrupt youth, a slow spiral into an intellectual void, and of course, a complete blast to watch.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Intellectual, Watches

  Dennis Miller (2011). “Ranting Again”, p.98, Main Street Books

• Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Beer

  Dennis Miller (2011). “Ranting Again”, p.59, Main Street Books

• And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, War, Humor

  "Hannity & Colmes" with Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes, June 27, 2003.

• Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Kids

  "When Did Nature Get So Whiney?". www.foxnews.com. September 12, 2003.

• The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Enemy

• I'm one of the more pessimistic cats on the planet. I make Van Gogh look like a rodeo clown.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Cat

  Dennis Miller (2010). “Rants”, p.41, Main Street Books

• Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Redneck

• Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Humanity

• You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Use

  Dennis Miller (2011). “Ranting Again”, p.83, Main Street Books

• Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Light

• Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Hollywood, Etch A Sketch

• What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Guilt

• I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Witty, World

• The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Average, Usa

• For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

  Dennis Miller

  Funny, Humor, Ideas

  "When Did Nature Get So Whiney?". www.foxnews.com. September 12, 2003.

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