Masturbation is an absolutely peerless cure for the hiccups
In the United States, the last recorded clitoridectomy for curing masturbation was performed in 1948--on a five year old girl.
Female masturbation is permissible unconditionally.
In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.
Philosophy is to science as masturbation is to sex.
Novels, except as aids to masturbation, play no part in contemporary life.
Philosophy stands in the same relation to the study of the actual world as masturbation to sexual love.
When you wake up and your heart is going like the clappers or your back feels strained, or you develop some other hang-up, you should let your mind go to the pain and the pain itself will regurgitate the memory which originally caused you to suppress it in your body. In this way the pain goes to the right channel instead of being repressed again, as it is if you take a pill or a bath, saying 'Well, I'll get over it'. Most people channel their pain into God or masturbation or some dream of making it.
Drive the women from the bed just as you drove them from the choir; a eunuch sings in Rome, and the priests masturbate.
It is called in our schools 'beastliness', and this is about the best name for it... should it become a habit it quickly destroys both health and spirits; he becomes feeble in body and mind, and often ends in a lunatic asylum.
I'm jackin' off reading Playboy on a hot afternoon, I'm a three time loser.
Virtual sex, no matter how realistic, was really nothing but glorified, computer-assisted masturbation.
We can learn to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about gay people. The same way we have learned to ignore the bullshit in the Bible about shellfish, about slavery, about dinner, about farming, about menstruation, about virginity, about masturbation.
Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.
What was said about him, what the females needed to believe about him, was just oral masturbation for mouths that needed to be otherwise occupied.
The act of writing itself is done in secret, like masturbation.
They are this horrible thing where you are distorted. The chin is too big, the head is too small. No, this is electronic masturbation.
Well, people got attatched. Once you cut the umbilical cord they attatched to the other things. Sight, sound, sex, money, mirages, mothers, masturbation, murder, and Monday morning hangovers.
The whole point is you're telling a story to an audience. So when there's no audience, it's like cinematic masturbation.
I think we're in an age starved for genuine experiences, instead of cathartic phony experiences through the media, structured, engineered experiences. And those are the fast food, the masturbation of experience. They don't really exhaust any aspect of ourselves; they don't make us any stronger.
Methamphetamine is so Flowers for Algernon: All that super-human cerebral ability fades to limited physical activities like stapling carpet scraps to the wall or masturbation antics worthy of The Guinness Book of World Records.
This is a rumour-filled society and if people want to sit around and talk about whom I've dated, then I'd say they have a lot of spare time and should consider other topics... or masturbation.
Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.
I never did like working out - it bears the same relationship to real sport as masturbation does to real sex
Sexual gratification can only be achieved through the use of machines.
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