John Kerry Quotes

• John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded.

  Barack Obama

  Believe, Hard Work, America

  2004 Democratic National Convention Keynote Address, delivered 27 July 2004, Fleet Center, Boston

  8 Copy quote

  Show source

• I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for duty.

  John F. Kerry

  Duty

  John Kerry's Acceptance Speech at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, Massachusetts, www.washingtonpost.com. July 29, 2004.

  7 Copy quote

  Show source

• The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

  Jay Leno

  Two, Issues, People

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry doesn't think in terms of black-and-white. He's all gray, and he looks at all sides of the issues. That makes people think he likes to be devil's advocate. Whatever you say, he'll challenge you on.

  Douglas Brinkley

  Black And White, Thinking, Issues

  4 Copy quote

• You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows.

  Jay Leno

  Home, Blow, Wind

  12 Copy quote

• Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

  David Letterman

  Change, Gay, Yesterday

  7 Copy quote

• President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Issues, President, Sides

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'

  Jay Leno

  Black, Today, Faces

  4 Copy quote

• Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam.

  Jay Leno

  Past, Vegas, Portland Oregon

  "Bush Goes Off Message". www.washingtonpost.com. August 13, 2004.

  4 Copy quote

  Show source

• John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them.

  Jay Leno

  President, Rich, Catering

  4 Copy quote

• They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'

  Jay Leno

  Two, Presidential, Three

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.

  Craig Kilborn

  Hurt, Iraq, Shoulders

  4 Copy quote

• Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card.

  Craig Kilborn

  Wife, Gold, Cards

  4 Copy quote

• President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off.

  Jay Leno

  Couple, Fall, Texas

  10 Copy quote

• The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out. Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone with bigger hair then she had.

  Jay Leno

  Dating Someone, Hair, Boston

  4 Copy quote

• Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean misspoke several times, Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president. And Bush said, 'You can't'?

  Jay Leno

  Weekend, Presidential, Dean

  4 Copy quote

• Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry's daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican convention the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair.

  Jay Leno

  Girl, Daughter, Dad

  4 Copy quote

• My position is not that John Kerry is either Jesus Christ or the prophet Mohammad. My position is that John Kerry is the possibility of restarting politics.

  Todd Gitlin

  Jesus, Christ, Possibility

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head.

  Jay Leno

  Sound, Cost, Interviews

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'

  Jay Leno

  Wife, President, Looks

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for.

  David Letterman

  Stills

  4 Copy quote

• John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there.

  Jay Leno

  Looks, Week, Profile

  4 Copy quote

• 'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.

  Conan O'Brien

  Stories, Firsts, Week

  11 Copy quote

• John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message.

  David Letterman

  Reading, Kids, Messages

  4 Copy quote

• Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment.

  Jay Leno

  Judgment, Said, Concerts

  4 Copy quote