Humour Quotes - Page 6

• I like my man to be witty; he needs a sense of humour and needs to be extremely well-mannered.

  Esha Gupta

  Witty, Men, Needs

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• But alas! Like many another consummation devoutly to be wished, the actual performance was a disappointing one.

  Fred Reinfeld

  Chess, Disappointing, Performances

  Fred Reinfeld (2012). “The Immortal Games of Capablanca”, p.10, Courier Corporation

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• Now I have the pawn and the compensation.

  Roman Dzindzichashvili

  Chess, Pawns, Compensation

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• It is not merely the brevity by which the haiku isolates a particular group of phenomena from all the rest; nor its suggestiveness, through which it reveals a whole world of experience. It is not only in its remarkable use of the season word, by which it gives us a feeling of a quarter of the year; nor its faint all-pervading humour. Its peculiar quality is its self-effacing, self-annihilative nature, by which it enables us, more than any other form of literature, to grasp the thing-in-itself.

  Reginald Horace Blyth

  Art, Nature, Self

  Reginald Horace Blyth (1982). “Haiku: Haiku”

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• You realise Group Captain that this might be the most important weather forecast in history?

  Dwight D. Eisenhower

  Weather, History, Historical

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• Of course Overlord did not fail. How could it? With some many fine young men and women from all corners of the earth all determined to do their best to free a world gone half mad.

  Dwight D. Eisenhower

  Men, History, Mad

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• It takes all sorts to make a world - saints as well as soldiers.

  Anthony Anderson

  History, Soldier, Historical

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• The midwife of history is violence.

  Franz Joseph I of Austria

  History, Historical, Violence

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• Our men must win or die. Pompey's men have... other options.

  Julius Caesar

  Winning, Men, History

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• The real story of our times is seldom told in the horse-puckey-filled memoirs of dopey, self-serving presidents or generals, but in the outrageous, demented lives of guys like Lenny Bruce, Giordano Bruno, Scott Fitzgerald - and Paul Krassner. The burrs under society's saddle. The pains in the ass.

  Harlan Ellison

  Horse, Pain, Real

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• When confronted by a hungry wolf, it is unwise to goad the beast, as Cato would have us do. But it is equally unwise to imagine the snarling animal a friend and offer your hand, as Pompey does." "Perhaps you would have us climb a tree!

  Marcus Tullius Cicero

  Animal, Hands, History

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• My final word, before I'm done, Is "Cancer can be rather fun"- Provided one confronts the tumour with a sufficient sense of humour. I know that cancer often kills, But so do cars and sleeping pills; And it can hurt till one sweats, So can bad teeth and unpaid debts. A spot of laughter, I am sure, Often accelerates one's cure; So let us patients do our bit To help the surgeons make us fit.

  John B. S. Haldane

  Hurt, Laughter, Fun

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• Books are never out of humour; never envious or jealous, they answer all questions with readiness; ... they teach us how to live and how to die; they dispel melancholy by their mirth, and amuse by their wit; they prepare the soul to suffer everything and desire nothing; they introduce us to ourselves.

  Holbrook Jackson

  Book, Jealous, Soul

  Holbrook Jackson (1950). “The Anatomy of Bibliomania”, p.85, University of Illinois Press

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• It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour.

  Keenen Ivory Wayans

  Sex, Teenage, Giving

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• I think deep down, this planet yearns for the days of the British Empire again. They long once more to be treated that badly, that politely. We did far worse things than you can possibly dream of, but we did it with that certainly gentlemanly swagger... Dreadfully sorry, but we seem to have crushed your entire continent's infrastructure. Allow me to make it up to you by offering you a job 4,000 miles away. No, no, I insist.

  John Oliver

  Dream, Jobs, Sorry

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• Is he a good man?" "Define 'good'.

  Cleopatra

  Men, History, Historical

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• Many of us are trying to lead multiple lives: child, mother, wife, lover, star, giving small doses of oxygen to each and imploding under the weight of so many competing roles. The women I have written in Bombshells struggle - sometimes hilariously, sometimes tragically - to bridge the chasm between the wilderness of their inner worlds and the demands of their outer worlds. And humour, in the end, is our saviour.

  Joanna Murray-Smith

  Mother, Stars, Children

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• When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

  George Burns

  Funny, Agents, Blame

  George Burns (1988). “Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed”, Putnam Publishing Group

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• I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me, because I have railed so long against marriage: but doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No, the world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married.

  William Shakespeare

  Men, Thinking, Careers

  'Much Ado About Nothing' (1598-9) act 2, sc. 3, l. [262]

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• I went to a British Council event a while back and there were lots of German professors of literature. About half of them were convinced I had a German sense of humour and the other half were sure it was British. They are probably still arguing about it now.

  Tibor Fischer

  Events, Half, Literature

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• I said in my earlier book, and find no reason for retracting my statement, that the famous Jewish sense of humour got lost in transit to Israel.

  George Mikes

  Funny, Humorous, Book

  George Mikes (1969). “Coat of Many Colors: Israel”

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• Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.

  Robin Williams

  Funny, Agents, Lawyer

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• K is for "Kenghis Khan"; He was a very nice person. History has no record of him. There is a moral in that, somewhere.

  Harlan Ellison

  Nice, Civilization, History

  Harlan Ellison (2014). “Strange Wine: Stories”, p.102, Open Road Media

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• He (The Agent) just takes ten per cent of your life.

  Raymond Chandler

  Funny, Agents, Cents

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• I knew the man up until our divorce - after that I didn't know the man, but it didn't stop me caring about him and worrying because of the complete change that I saw in him. He'd lost his sense of humour and he got aggressive; he wasn't for the world any more, he was just for Yoko. Before that he opened his arms and embraced the world with his wit and humour - afterwards he was a completely different kind of person.

  Cynthia Lennon

  Divorce, Caring, Men

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