Funny Thanksgiving Day Quotes

• Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

  Erma Bombeck

  Thanksgiving, Sports, Football

  "On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes". Book by Paula Munier, p. 67, September 1, 2004.

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• It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

  Phyllis Diller

  Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Three

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• I love Thanksgiving turkey... It's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

  Arnold Schwarzenegger

  Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Los Angeles

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• Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Thanksgiving, People, Drunk

  "Beyond the Pale". Live album by Jim Gaffigan, www.npr.org. February 7, 2006.

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• I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

  Jon Stewart

  Funny, Thanksgiving, Holiday

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• As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.

  John F. Kennedy

  Inspirational, Thank You, Thanksgiving

  Kennedy, John F. (1964). “Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: John F. Kennedy, 1963”, p.836, Best Books on

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• A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

  Kin Hubbard

  Thanksgiving, Turkeys, Kitchen

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• Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received. Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling. Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse.

  Henry Van Dyke

  Thanksgiving, Gratitude, Kindness

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• If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.

  Frank A. Clark

  Motivational, Thanksgiving, Thankful

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• All across America, we gather this week with the people we love to give thanks to God for the blessings in our lives.

  George W. Bush

  Thanksgiving, Blessing, America

  Bush's Thanksgiving Proclamation, www.foxnews.com. November 25, 2004.

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• Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.

  Stephen Colbert

  Football, Country, Aunt

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• It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.

  Russell Baker

  Food, Grandmother, Funny Thanksgiving

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• I'm from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I'm thankful for that.

  Howie Mandel

  Thanksgiving, Canada, Thursday

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Appreciation can make a day, even change a life. Your willingness to put it into words is all that is necessary.

  Margaret Cousins

  Change, Thanksgiving, Thank You

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.

  Reba McEntire

  Life, Success, Positivity

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

  Erma Bombeck

  Thanksgiving, Food, Mean

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist”, p.271, Open Road Media

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• There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Thanksgiving, Witty, Humorous

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• The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation for goodness.

  Dalai Lama

  Inspirational, Positive, Thank You

  Dalai Lama (1994). “The Path to Enlightenment”, p.105, Shambhala

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• So once in every year we throng Upon a day apart, to praise the Lord with feast and song in thankfulness of heart.

  Arthur Guiterman

  Thanksgiving, Song, Heart

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• Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.

  Nicole Hollander

  Food, Funny Thanksgiving, Turkeys

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• Reflect upon your present blessings

  Charles Dickens

  Thanksgiving, Thankful, Gratitude

  Charles Dickens (1868). “The Works of Charles Dickens”, p.211

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• On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.

  William Jennings Bryan

  Thanksgiving, Funny Thanksgiving, Happy Thanksgiving

  William Jennings Bryan, Mary Baird Bryan (1909). “Speeches of William Jennings Bryan”

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• Only a stomach that rarely feels hungry scorns common things.

  Horace

  Thanksgiving, Gratitude, Being Thankful

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• The unthankful heart... discovers no mercies; but let the thankful heart sweep through the day and, as the magnet finds the iron, so it will find, in every hour, some heavenly blessings!

  Henry Ward Beecher

  Thank You, Thanksgiving, Gratitude

  Henry Ward Beecher (1858). “Life Thoughts”, p.66

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• Reflect upon your present blessings of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.

  Charles Dickens

  Inspirational, Happiness, Thanksgiving

  Charles Dickens (1839). “Sketches by Boz”, p.172

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