Funny One Liner Quotes

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundes

Inspirational, Funny, Christmas

2237 Copy quote
On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Steven Wright

Funny, Hilarious, Witty

32 Copy quote
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Steven Wright

Funny, Hilarious, Humorous

236 Copy quote
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humorous, Ideas

435 Copy quote
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Justice

Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

20 Copy quote

Show source
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Larry the Cable Guy

Thinking, Laughing, Lasts

37 Copy quote
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Steven Wright

Funny, Clever, Business

81 Copy quote
If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Harry S. Truman

Witty, Business, Silly

Harry S. Truman, Steve Neal (2003). “Miracle of Forty-eight”, p.139, SIU Press

44 Copy quote

Show source
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

294 Copy quote

Show source
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

Funny, Motivational Sports, Humorous

172 Copy quote
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Miles Kington

Funny, Hilarious, Wise

The Independent (UK), March 28, 2003.

612 Copy quote

Show source
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Steven Wright

Funny, Humor, Psychics

19 Copy quote
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

George Carlin

Mathematical Logic, People, Three

55 Copy quote
Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A. A. Milne

Love, Missing You, Thinking Of You

80 Copy quote
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

Funny, Life, Birthday

119 Copy quote
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Kinky Friedman

Beauty, Philosophy, Drinking

30 Copy quote
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

98 Copy quote

Show source
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Insanity, Suffering, Signatures

25 Copy quote
Bacteria: The only culture some people have.

Hesiod

People, Culture, Bacteria

31 Copy quote
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Demetri Martin

Funny, Im Sorry, Heart

"Why Demetri Martin's new show is an Important Thing not to miss" by Will Dean, www.theguardian.com. September 24, 2009.

78 Copy quote

Show source
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Albert Einstein

Drinking, Alcohol, Inventory

121 Copy quote
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

Dan Chaon

Hilarious, Peace, Tired

Dan Chaon (2012). “Stay Awake: Stories”, p.59, Ballantine Books

22 Copy quote

Show source
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Earl Wilson

Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

237 Copy quote
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Steven Wright

Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

13 Copy quote
How do you know when you're finished making love?

Jackson Pollock

Addiction, Making Love, Grey's Anatomy

"Character: Jackson Pollock". "Pollock", www.imdb.com. 2000.

6 Copy quote

Show source