Funny Lawyer Quotes

• Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

  Will Rogers

  Humor, Feet, Law Students

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  75 Copy quote

  Show source

• Whoever tells the best story wins.

  John Quincy Adams

  Funny, Winning, Stories

  81 Copy quote

• Lawyers spend their professional careers shoveling smoke.

  Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

  Funny, Lawyer, Deals

  Attributed to Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., in "Watergate and the White House" by Edward W. Knappman, p. 100, 1973.

  10 Copy quote

  Show source

• If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.

  Charles Dickens

  Funny, Law, People

  Charles Dickens (1848). “The Old Curiosity Shop ... With a Frontispiece. From a Painting by Geo. Cattermole, Etc”, p.255

  156 Copy quote

  Show source

• There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable.

  Robert Smith Surtees

  Funny, Three, Able

  Robert Smith Surtees (1860). “"Plain Or Ringlets?"”, p.141

  11 Copy quote

  Show source

• The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

  William Shakespeare

  Funny, Inspiration, Law

  'Henry VI, Part 2' (1592) act 4, sc. 2, l. [73]

  17 Copy quote

  Show source

• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Sarcastic, Humorous

  13 Copy quote

• The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.

  Will Rogers

  Inspiration, Law, Minutes

  "The Lawyers Talking" (1935)

  20 Copy quote

  Show source

• There are no funny lawyers - only funny people who made a career mistake.

  Robert J. White

  Mistake, Careers, People

  10 Copy quote

• A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.

  Patrick Murray

  Funny, Winning, Lawyer

  20 Copy quote

• Ignorance of the law excuses no man from practicing it.

  Addison Mizner

  Funny, Ignorance, Men

  Oliver Herford, Addison Mizner (1907). “The Cynic's Calendar of Revised Wisdom...”

  21 Copy quote

  Show source

• Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.

  Ambrose Bierce

  Pigs, Law, Machines

  Ambrose Bierce (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Ambrose Bierce (Illustrated)”, p.2450, Delphi Classics

  38 Copy quote

  Show source

• To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Country, Moving, Games

  "SeinLanguage" by Jerry Seinfeld, New York: Bantam, (p. 90), 1993.

  11 Copy quote

  Show source

• In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

  Lenny Bruce

  Justice, Lawyer, Halls

  "The Comedy Master Turned Martyr" by Stephen Robb, news.bbc.co.uk. August 03, 2006.

  25 Copy quote

  Show source

• A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.

  H. L. Mencken

  Funny, Law, Justice

  46 Copy quote

• The good lawyer is not the man who has an eye to every side and angle of contingency, and qualifies all his qualifications, but who throws himself on your part so heartily, that he can get you out of a scrape.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Eye, Men, Law

  Ralph Waldo Emerson (1872). “Representative men. English traits. Conduct of life”, p.354

  14 Copy quote

  Show source

• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

  Steven Wright

  Inspirational, Life, Thinking

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  26 Copy quote

  Show source

• Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished.

  Jeremy Bentham

  Ignorance, Law, Feet

  37 Copy quote

• The lawyer's truth is not Truth, but consistency or a consistent expediency.

  Henry David Thoreau

  Funny, Truth, Consistency

  Civil Disobedience (1849)

  25 Copy quote

  Show source

• I don't think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You've got to work on his conscience. And his lack of conscience is what makes him a lawyer.

  Will Rogers

  Thinking, Law Students, Honest

  Will Rogers (1978). “Will Rogers' Daily Telegrams”

  10 Copy quote

  Show source

• I would be loath to speak ill of any person who I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an attorney.

  Samuel Johnson

  Funny, Law, Would Be

  Samuel Johnson (1836). “Johnsoniana: Or, Supplement to Boswell: Being Anecdotes and Sayings of Dr. Johnson”, p.88

  6 Copy quote

  Show source

• A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.

  Jean Kerr

  Jobs, Divorce, Friendly

  Jean Kerr (1965). “Mary, Mary”, p.33, Dramatists Play Service Inc

  98 Copy quote

  Show source

• Ignorance of the law excuses no man.

  John Selden

  Ignorance, Men, Law

  Table-Talk "Law" (1689) See Proverbs 153

  11 Copy quote

  Show source

• When anarchy is declared, the first thing we do, let's kill all the anarchists.

  Craig Reucassel

  Law, Lines, Anarchy

  15 Copy quote

• There may be said to be three sorts of lawyers, able, unable, and lamentable.

  Robert Smith

  Three, May, Able

  "Plain or Ringlets?" by Robert Smith, (ch. 40), 1860.

  9 Copy quote

  Show source