Fart Quotes - Page 5

• If I want to keep working as an actor, I'm going to become a comedian who does fart jokes.

  Peter Sarsgaard

  Comedian, Doe, Actors

  Source: www.gq.com

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• I know that at one time, the Arctic was the tropics. And I guess I wonder what caused that? Was it dinosaur farts? I don’t know.

  Ralph Klein

  Dinosaurs, Knows

  "Creeps, bums and a foot in the mouth", www.macleans.ca. March 29, 2013.

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• I make niggas eat dirt and fart dust,
  Then give you a $80 gift certificate to Pussies "Я" Us.

  Ludacris

  Rap, Dust, Giving

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• I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.

  Carl Barron

  Hate, Home, Twenties

  "Carl Barron Live". Comedy, 2003.

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• I'm such an old fart that I started buying books on film and TV and radio and music when, for television, the entire shelf of books was only a couple of them. You go into the '70s before you start getting books on TV that you start wanting to collect. And by the time that you get to something like the Brooks and Marsh book it's invaluable. My house got hit by lightning in 1989 and burned down. And I got more than a half dozen Brooks and Marsh books sent to me by friends immediately, as though that's what you need more than clothes or food. That's how treasured that book was.

  David Bianculli

  Couple, Book, House

  Source: www.avclub.com

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• Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

  Jonathan Tropper

  I've Learned, Pity, Tolerate

  Jonathan Tropper (2007). “How to Talk to a Widower”, p.99, Bantam

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• Rock n roll is for the young idiots, not an old fart like me.

  Al Jourgensen

  Rocks, Rock N Roll, Idiot

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• The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!

  Jessica Simpson

  Pregnancy, Average, Pregnant Women

  Jessica Simpson ‏@JessicaSimpson, twitter.com. November 4, 2011.

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• No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. BOOM! Friends for life!

  George Lopez

  Funny, Humor, Laughing So Hard

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• Atlantic reckoned we should use a top Yank producer and appointed one Eddie Kramer to the post. It turns out the guy was full of bullshit and couldn't produce a healthy fart.

  Bon Scott

  Bullshit, Guy, Healthy

  Letter to a former band-mate in Fraternity, 'Uncle' John Ayres, c. 1979.

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• Modern music is three farts and a raspberry, orchestrated.

  John Barbirolli

  Music, Three, Raspberries

  Of modern music. Quoted in M Kennedy Barbirolli, Conductor Laureate (1971).

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• I'm into paradoxes. I wanted to make an album about them, but the group told me I was a pretentious fart. They were right.

  Brian May

  Groups, Albums, Paradox

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• Have you been sniffing fairy farts?

  Kim Harrison

  Fairy, Sniffing

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• But my body was telling its story. I have read a lot of stuff about cancer. I needed this book. I wish I'd had this book when I had cancer. I wanted someone to be talking to me about "fart floors." I wanted somebody telling me what it was like to have a colostomy bag. I felt so alone. And if you're a person who's been traumatized by past abuse, it's so potentially re-traumatizing. You slip right into "oh my god, this is the only person this has happened to before" mentality: "I'm especially bad and I have especially bad cancer..."

  Eve Ensler

  Cancer, Book, Past

  "The Big Idea: Eve Ensler". Interview with Suzanne Koven, therumpus.net. June 12, 2013.

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• Freedom, Truth, Honour — you could rattle off a hundred such words and behind every one of them would gather a thousand punks, pompous little farts, waving the banner with one hand and reaching under the table with the other.

  Hunter S. Thompson

  Honour You, Hands, Tables

  Hunter S. Thompson (1999). “The Rum Diary: A Novel”, p.183, Simon and Schuster

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• Purple light passed over the paper, but nothing happened. "Next!" Amy said. She was sure the man in black was going to burst in on them any second. "Whoa!" Dan said. Amy gripped his arm. "You found it?" "No, but look! This whole essay - 'To the Royal Academy.' He wrote a whole essay on farts!" Dan grinned with delight. "He's proposing a scientific study on different fart smells. You're right, Amy. This guy was a genius!

  Rick Riordan

  Men, Purple, Smell

  Rick Riordan (2016). “The 39 Clues 1: The 39 Clues: The Maze of Bones”, p.86, Scholastic UK

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• ObamaCare is to health care as a fart is to an elevator.

  Greg Gutfeld

  Obamacare, Health Care, Elevators

  Source: www.foxnews.com

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• I suppose that the main benefit of being rich (over just being independent) is to be able to despise rich people (a good concentration of whom you find in glitzy ski resorts) without any sour grapes. It is even sweeter when these farts don't know that you are richer than they are.

  Nassim Nicholas Taleb

  Independent, People, Benefits

  Nassim Nicholas Taleb (2012). “Antifragile: Things That Gain from Disorder”, p.176, Random House

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• I wonder why no one called the police about the rocket launcher? God knows my neighbors usually report it if I so much as fart in my backyard. (Bubba)

  Sherrilyn Kenyon

  Police, Backyards, Rockets

  Sherrilyn Kenyon (2016). “Chronicles of Nick”, p.213, St. Martin's Griffin

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• Clichés are static, the emotion behind them long spent. If you are tempted to use them, here is a saying of my mother’s: Fang pi bu-cho, cho pi bu-fang. Basically that translates to: "Loud farts don’t stink, and the really smelly ones don’t make a sound." In other words: When you’re full of beans, you just blow a lot of hot air. If you want to have a real impact, be deadly but silent. Oh, also recognize the difference between a bad cliché and a good quotation. My mother’s saying is a good quotation. You should use it often.

  Amy Tan

  Mother, Real, Blow

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• You can't even trade a single fart with the next guy. Each and every one of us has to live out his own life. Don't waste time thinking about who's most talented.

  Kodo Sawaki

  Thinking, Guy, Waste

  "Zen ni kike (To you)" by Kodo Sawaki (Tokyo: Daihorinkaku), 1987.

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• Many individuals spend a considerable portion of their lifetimes in terror of one imagined catastrophe or another. The classic is that your immortal soul will be consigned to eternal torment in the never-ending subterranean barbecue if you fail to follow the whacky edicts of one particular set of puckered dogwhistles or another. You may recall from the great movie Strange Days that a "dogwhistle" is a guy whose asshole is so tight that when he farts, only dogs can hear him.

  L. Neil Smith

  Dog, Guy, Soul

  "The Bad Guys". April 28, 2009.

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• I swear, guys in groups are capable of the stupidest things." "Like war," Kellan says, heaping napkins and ketchup packets onto her tray. "And jumping off rooftops." "And lighting their farts on fire," she says.

  Jay Asher

  War, Fire, Jumping

  Jay Asher, Carolyn Mackler (2012). “The Future of Us”, p.55, Simon and Schuster

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• This Earle of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to Travell, 7 yeares. On his returne the Queen welcomed him home, and sayd, My Lord, I had forgott the Fart.

  John Aubrey

  Queens, Home, Oxford

  John Aubrey (1962). “Brief lives”

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• I love baseball. I'll probably end up one of those old farts who go to spring training in Florida every year and drive from game to game all day.

  Steve Earle

  Baseball, Spring, Florida

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