When a man diets, he eats oatmeal in addition to everything else he usually eats.
The worst feeling in the world is the homesickness that comes over a man occasionally when he is at home.
As a man handles his troubles during the day, so he goes to bed at night a General, Captain, or Private.
The little trouble in the world that is not due to love is due to friendship.
No man can smile in the face of adversity and mean it.
No man is smart, except by comparison to those who know less
Everyone hates a martyr; it's no wonder martyrs were burned at the stake.
Half the promises people say were never kept, were never made.
A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.
Marriage is a good deal like a circus: there is not as much in it as is represented in the advertising.
If you want to know how old a woman is . . . ask her sister-in-law.
Don't be crazy to do a lot of things you can't do.
Many a man is saved from being a thief by finding everything locked up.
Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.
No man has all the wisdom in the world; everyone has some.
The only gambling tip which amounts to anything is to keep out of the game.
A young man is a theory, an old man is a fact.
Many people would be more truthful were it not for their uncontrollable desire to talk.
The average man's judgment is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have.
Probably no man ever had a friend that he did not dislike a little.
Some people never have anything except ideals.
There is something in the red of a raspberry pie that looks as good to a man as the red in a sheep looks to a wolf.
To be an ideal guest, stay at home.
To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation.
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