Adam Carolla Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Smell

• Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Sex, Humor

• You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Six

  Adam Carolla (2010). “In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks”, p.208, Crown Archetype

• I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Differences

• You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Home, Humor

• I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Two

• I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Two

• When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Growing Up, Humor

• Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Giving

• I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Dad, Humor

• I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Lonely, Crazy

• I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Two

  FaceBook post by Adam Carolla from Oct 24, 2013

• If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Tuning

• I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Nice, Humor

• I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Two

• Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Care

• He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Guy

• That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Philosophical, Humor

• Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Taste

  "The Man Show". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 1999 - 2014.

• Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Chance

• If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Ideas

• When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Kings, Sex

  "The Man Show". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 1999 - 2014.

• Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Thinking

• All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Want

• Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

  Adam Carolla

  Funny, Humor, Naps

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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