Witty Christmas Quotes

• Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

  Publilius Syrus

  Funny Christmas, Women, Believe

  8 Copy quote

• Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance.

  Oren Arnold

  Christmas, Xmas, Tolerance

  29 Copy quote

• Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

  Kin Hubbard

  Funny, Christmas, Xmas

  91 Copy quote

• Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?

  Tom Armstrong

  Funny, Christmas, Cities

  46 Copy quote

• A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

  Garrison Keillor

  Love, Funny, Christmas

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  71 Copy quote

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• To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To you, respect.

  Oren Arnold

  Christmas, Xmas, Children

  43 Copy quote

• The earth has grown old with its burden of care, But at Christmas it always is young.

  Phillips Brooks

  Christmas, Xmas, Earth

  12 Copy quote

• I have always thought of Christmas time... as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time.

  Charles Dickens

  Christmas, Happy Holidays, Forgiving

  Charles Dickens (1858). “A Christmas Carol”, p.5

  21 Copy quote

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• I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

  Bernard Manning

  Funny, Birthday, Christmas

  62 Copy quote

• Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

  Kin Hubbard

  Christmas, Children, Mean

  30 Copy quote

• Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Christmas, Witty

  80 Copy quote

• Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Xmas, Past

  22 Copy quote

• Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Christmas, Grateful, Thank You God

  10 Copy quote

• At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.

  Thomas Tusser

  Christmas, Xmas, Cheer

  Five Hundred Pointes of Good Husbandrie (1580)

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• The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Christmas, Wise

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  104 Copy quote

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• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Jobs, Xmas

  54 Copy quote

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Christmas, Girl

  136 Copy quote

• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

  Johnny Carson

  Funny, Christmas, Sarcastic

  61 Copy quote

• The only real blind person at Christmas time is he who has not Christmas in his heart.

  Helen Keller

  Christmas, Xmas, Real

  Helen Keller (1920). “Out of the Dark: Essays, Lectures, and Addresses on Physical and Social Vision”

  18 Copy quote

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• Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

  Tom Sims

  Funny, Christmas, Years

  10 Copy quote

• The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others' burdens, easing other's loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas.

  William Carey Jones

  Christmas, Xmas, Heart

  21 Copy quote

• The earth has grown old with its burden of care, but at Christmas it always is young, the heart of the jewel burns lustrous and fair, and its soul full of music breaks the air, when the song of angels is sung.

  Phillips Brooks

  Christmas, Song, Xmas

  22 Copy quote

• When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Christmas, Gratitude, Children

  106 Copy quote

• I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

  Charles Dickens

  Love, Christmas, Education

  A Christmas Carol stave 4 (1843)

  100 Copy quote

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• Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

  Bill Watterson

  Christmas, Xmas, Beer

  "Calvin and Hobbes". Comic strip by Bill Watterson, November 18, 1985 – December 31, 1995.

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