Olympics Quotes - Page 11

• Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, London Olympics, Yesterday

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• The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, London Olympics, Flames

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• Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Athlete, Men

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• Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

  Stephen Colbert

  Funny, London Olympics, Ass

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• Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

  Stephen Colbert

  Funny, Winning, London Olympics

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• An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Fighting, Marijuana

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• The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Country, Nice

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• A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny, Swimming, Cereal

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• The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.

  Jimmy Fallon

  Funny, Athlete, Winning

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• The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Queens, London Olympics

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• Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Athlete, London Olympics

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• I'm not sure what's going on in Britain. I don't know what's going on in London. Because London is no longer an English city, and that's how they got the Olympics. I mean, they said, "We're the most cosmopolitan city on Earth," but it doesn't feel English.

  John Cleese

  Mean, Cities, Earth

  "John Cleese joins 7.30". Interview with Chris Uhlmann, www.abc.net.au. August 31, 2011.

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• Intensive mothering is the ultimate female Olympics: We are all in powerful competition with each other, in constant danger of being trumped by the mom down the street, or in the magazine we're reading. The competition isn't just over who's a good mother--it's over who's the best. We compete with each other; we compete with ourselves. The best mothers always put their kids' needs before their own, period.

  Susan J. Douglas

  Mom, Mother, Powerful

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• To me, doing the Olympics in 1992 in Barcelona for NBC, just seeing the Dream Team take the floor, was a thrill for me. I dont think there was another team in any sport with that high level of athletes playing together.

  Marv Albert

  Sports, Dream, Team

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• Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, London Olympics, Years

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• NBC announced that during the summer Olympics they will set a new record by airing over 1200 hours of coverage. Which is amazing because that's 10 hours longer than the coverage of Reagan's funeral.

  Conan O'Brien

  Summer, Nbc, Funeral

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• You see the fairy tale - four minutes of glory at the Olympics. I thought my life would be cake after that.

  Dorothy Hamill

  Cake, Would Be, Four

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• In my teen years leading up to the Olympics, I loved having the excuse to skip out on parties because of skating. Partying wasnt my thing anyway. Mostly I hung out with other skaters. We were all buddies, so its not like I missed out on socializing. I was really enjoying myself.

  Dorothy Hamill

  Party, Years, Skating

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• I grew up an athlete. Track and field and dance. In track, I actually went to the Junior Olympics. I've always been very athletic.

  Kimberly Elise

  Athlete, Track, Athletic

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• I was obsessed with the Olympics. It's so exciting to see that level of excellence and endurance.

  Lisa Bonet

  Excellence, Endurance, Levels

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!

  Lewis Black

  Sports, Sex, School

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• The reality is that there are half a billion kids in India, in villages, who have a pre-determined life. If they're very lucky and they're a gifted athlete, maybe they can compete for the Olympics, or maybe they can get into the military. But if you're not a gifted athlete, then you're going to end up working for your family and you're going to perpetuate what your family is. It's gotten to the point, in villages, where there's no hope. And the first spark of hope is when you ask yourself the question,"What gift did God give me that I can develop and use to better my life?"

  J. B. Bernstein

  Military, Kids, Athlete

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• I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Team, Kids

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• Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'

  Jimmy Fallon

  Funny, Monday, London Olympics

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• In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Fighting, London Olympics

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