Old Jokes Quotes

• You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  71 Copy quote

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• You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

  Hy Gardner

  Funny, Sarcastic, Hurt

  46 Copy quote

• People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

  George Burns

  Birthday, Retirement, People

  61 Copy quote
• 

  The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

  Lucille Ball

  Happy Birthday, Beauty, Funny Birthday

  181 Copy quote

• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Jack Benny

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Elderly

  New York Times, 1974.

  56 Copy quote

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• Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

  625 Copy quote

• Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

  Arthur Schopenhauer

  Birthday, Congratulations, Age

  144 Copy quote

• My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

  Rita Rudner

  Death, Husband, Grandmother

  28 Copy quote

• Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

  Tom Wilson

  Happy Birthday, Funny Birthday, Wisdom

  32 Copy quote

• Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.

  Victor Hugo

  Birthday, Health, Medicine

  50 Copy quote

• Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

  Bob Hope

  Birthday, Witty, Funny Inspirational

  33 Copy quote

• Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

  Steven Wright

  Funny, Travel, Memories

  37 Copy quote

• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Cute, Sarcastic

  56 Copy quote

• I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

  Rita Rudner

  Retirement, Age, Ears

  Rita Rudner (2008). “I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething”, p.238, Crown Archetype

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• All diseases run into one, old age.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Running, Funny Relationship, Hair

  Journals

  11 Copy quote

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• There is an old joke that went around- it goes, in the beginning God made man in His own image, and since the fall, man has been seeking to return the compliment.

  Alistair Begg

  Fall, Men, Return

  78 Copy quote

• Nigerians are everywhere. There's an old joke, particularly about the Ibos, that when you finally land on Mars, you're going to find a Nigerian there who has a shop that is selling Coca-Cola--who took a speculative trip 20 years ago and has been waiting for everyone else to arrive.

  Chris Abani

  Years, Land, Waiting

  7 Copy quote

• Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it.

  Howie Carr

  Two, Boat, Barack

  6 Copy quote

• My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.

  Sarah

  Notebook, Looks, Comedy

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  4 Copy quote

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• There's an old joke that you know you're in heaven if the cooks are Italian and the engineering is German. If it's the other way around you're in hell.

  David Byrne

  Italian, Engineering, Heaven

  10 Copy quote

• according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm.

  Dinah Maria Murlock Craik

  Marriage, Boys, People

  11 Copy quote

• There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars."

  Larry the Cable Guy

  Country, Redneck, Differences

  Source: smashinginterviews.com

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• Being a military child, we moved a lot and we developed different vernaculars from moving from the south, to the Midwest, and seeing the world. Going from New York to California and from Jamaica Queens to the South, I was always the new kid, or had the army crew haircut. I expected people to pick up on me. My brother kinda stole all of my old jokes. He got his inspiration from me.

  Joe Torry

  Brother, New York, Queens

  Source: blogs.indiewire.com

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• This is not really currency that circulates. It's like the old joke about expensive vintage wine. Wine prices will go up and once in a while somebody will buy a 50-year-old bottle of wine and say, "Wait a minute. This has gone bad." The answer is, "Well, that wine isn't for drinking; that's for trading." These $100 bills aren't meant to circulate. They're not to spend on goods and services. They're a store of value. They're a form of saving.

  Michael Hudson

  Drinking, Wine, Years

  Source: www.counterpunch.org

  4 Copy quote

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• Shall I crack any of those old jokes, master, At which the audience never fail to laugh?

  Aristophanes

  Laughter, Laughing, Cracks

  Aristophanes (2008). “The Birds and Other Plays: Easyread Comfort Edition”, p.228, ReadHowYouWant.com

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