Marriage Jokes Quotes

• Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

  Ogden Nash

  Inspirational, Life, Marriage

  Ogden Nash, “A Word To Husbands”

  73 Copy quote

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• In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

  Woody Allen

  Marriage, Funny Love, Best Love

  20 Copy quote

• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Marriage, Sexy

  101 Copy quote

• Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

  Joey Adams

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  Joey Adams (1957). “Cindy and I: The Real Life Adventures of Mr. and Mrs. Joey Adams”

  27 Copy quote

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• Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

  Jean Kerr

  Love, Marriage, Wedding

  Jean Kerr (1962). “The Snake Has all the Lines”

  26 Copy quote

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• My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Love, Funny, Life

  "Rodney Dangerfield" by Ronald Bergan, www.theguardian.com. October 6, 2004.

  44 Copy quote

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• Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Relationship, Anniversary

  88 Copy quote

• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

  Henny Youngman

  Love, Anniversary, Marriage

  Forbes Magazine, Volume 166 (p. 156), 2000.

  75 Copy quote

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• 

  A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

  Mignon McLaughlin

  Love, Relationship, Anniversary

  Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.32, BookBaby

  152 Copy quote

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• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  Rita Rudner

  Love, Funny, Life

  258 Copy quote

• Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

  Richard Pryor

  Marriage, Funny Love, Love You

  Quoted in Robert Byrne, The Third and Possibly the Best 637 Things Anybody Ever Said (1986)

  54 Copy quote

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• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Family, Marriage, Funny Love

  Poor Richard's Almanack, June 1738

  42 Copy quote

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• An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

  Agatha Christie

  Love, Funny, Birthday

  Attributed in Bennett Cerf, The Life of the Party (1956)

  143 Copy quote

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• What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.

  Pearl Bailey

  Love, Romantic, Valentines Day

  "Weekly World News" Magazine, Vol. 26, No. 33, April 25, 2005.

  59 Copy quote

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• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

  Phyllis Diller

  Funny, Anniversary, Marriage

  Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints (1966)

  98 Copy quote

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• Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.

  Joyce Brothers

  Love, Marriage, Spiritual

  32 Copy quote

• She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Humor, Yelling

  13 Copy quote

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  Lana Turner

  Funny, Success, Hilarious

  1019 Copy quote

• Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

  Madeleine de Scudery

  Marriage, Eye, Men

  57 Copy quote

• I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

  Patrick Murray

  Love, Funny, Marriage

  54 Copy quote

• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after.

  James Dobson

  Love, Marriage, Eye

  23 Copy quote

• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

  Henny Youngman

  Anniversary, Husband, Inspiration

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  33 Copy quote

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• You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

  Henny Youngman

  I Love You, Marriage, Funny Love

  26 Copy quote

• Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

  Francois de La Rochefoucauld

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  59 Copy quote

• In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.

  Helen Rowland

  Funny, Marriage, Sacrifice

  10 Copy quote