Marriage Humor Quotes

• I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

  Red Skelton

  Inspiration, Divorce, Names

  67 Copy quote

• I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

  Lewis Grizzard

  Marriage, Inspiration, Sleep

  921 Copy quote

• Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

  Francois de La Rochefoucauld

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  59 Copy quote

• A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

  Michel de Montaigne

  Anniversary, Marriage, Wedding

  Attributed to "Essais" by Michel de Montaigne, Book I, Ch. 20, 1595.

  82 Copy quote

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• A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

  Milton Berle

  Love, Marriage, Husband

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  62 Copy quote

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• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  Henny Youngman

  Funny, Life, Marriage

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  33 Copy quote

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• To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

  Helen Rowland

  Love, Being Happy, Funny Relationship

  Irvin S. Cobb, Mary Roberts Rinehart, Helen Rowland, Richard Saunders (2017). “We Should All Be So Feminine: We Should All Be a Feminist: We Should All Be Feminists”, p.81, Lulu.com

  55 Copy quote

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• In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

  Woody Allen

  Marriage, Funny Love, Best Love

  20 Copy quote

• Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.

  Georg C. Lichtenberg

  Funny, Marriage, Witty

  22 Copy quote

• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after.

  James Dobson

  Love, Marriage, Eye

  23 Copy quote

• Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

  Madeleine de Scudery

  Marriage, Eye, Men

  57 Copy quote
• 

  Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

  Johnny Carson

  Inspirational, Marriage, Wedding

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  80 Copy quote

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• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

  Henny Youngman

  Anniversary, Husband, Inspiration

  "The Haunted Smile: The Story of Jewish Comedians in America". Book by Lawrence J. Epstein, 2001.

  33 Copy quote

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• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Marriage, Couple

  58 Copy quote

• Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Cute, Marriage, Funny Love

  26 Copy quote

• Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.

  Oscar Wilde

  Happiness, Marriage, Men

  Oscar Wilde (2007). “Epigrams of Oscar Wilde”, p.11, Wordsworth Editions

  13 Copy quote

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• The triumph of hope over experience.

  Samuel Johnson

  Marriage, Funny Love, Hope

  Quoted in James Boswell, The Life of Samuel Johnson (1791) (entry for 1770)

  8 Copy quote

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• In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued.

  Helen Rowland

  Funny, Marriage, Sacrifice

  10 Copy quote

• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

  Rodney Dangerfield

  Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

  68 Copy quote

• My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot.

  Armistead Maupin

  Marriage, Mother, Couple

  Armistead Maupin (1989). “Tales of the city ; More tales of the city ; Further tales of the city: an omnibus”, Vintage

  7 Copy quote

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• When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Life, Marriage, Wedding

  Getting Married preface (1911)

  39 Copy quote

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• Well, you know, the definition of second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

  George Will

  Marriage, Funny Love, Definitions

  16 Copy quote

• An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

  Agatha Christie

  Love, Funny, Birthday

  Attributed in Bennett Cerf, The Life of the Party (1956)

  143 Copy quote

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• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

  Rita Rudner

  Love, Funny, Life

  258 Copy quote

• When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

  Helen Rowland

  Funny, Marriage, Girl

  Quoted in Evan Esar, The Dictionary of Humorous Quotations (1949)

  35 Copy quote

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