Hillarious Quotes

• People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

  Joan Rivers

  Happiness, Money, Funny Life

  "Remembering Joan Rivers" by Erica Diamond, www.huffingtonpost.com. September 8, 2014.

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• I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

  Joan Rivers

  Success, Inspiration, Memorable

  "Funny Ladies" by B. Adler, (p. 272), 2001.

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• She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

  Joan Rivers

  Sarcastic, Knees, Moses

  "The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes". Book by Geoff Tibballs, 2012.

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• Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

  Joan Rivers

  Memorable, Laughing, Beloved

  "11 Things Joan Rivers Taught Us About Life" by Erin Weinger, www.hollywoodreporter.com. September 4, 2014.

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• My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

  Joan Rivers

  Daughter, Memorable, Speak

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• I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

  Joan Rivers

  Hate, Memorable, People

  "Joan Rivers’ Birthday: Her Funniest Fashion Disses (PHOTOS)" by Lauren Leibowitz, www.huffingtonpost.com. June 8, 2013.

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• I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

  Joan Rivers

  Memorable, Alzheimer's, Comedian

  Twitter post from Jul 02, 2014

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• My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

  Joan Rivers

  Memorable, Love Life, Missing

  "Not Forgotten", www.nytimes.com. June 8, 2015.

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• Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

  Joan Rivers

  Birthday, Memorable, Age

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• She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

  Joan Rivers

  Arms, Armpits, Turner

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• I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

  Joan Rivers

  Jewelry, Sometimes, Irrigation

  "Joan Rivers: the best of her career in clips and quotes" by Lilah Raptopoulos, www.theguardian.com. September 04, 2014.

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• I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

  Joan Rivers

  Reading, Liquid, Proof

  Joan Rivers @Joan_Rivers, twitter.com. July 09, 2010.

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• Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

  Joan Rivers

  Aspirin, Mayonnaise, Fats

  "Nicole Arbour Controversy" by James Fell, www.askmen.com.

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• All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

  Joan Rivers

  Baby, Glasses, Looks

  Joan Rivers: the best of her career in clips and quotes" by Lilah Raptopoulos, www.theguardian.com. September 04, 2014.

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• I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Husband, Names

  "Joan Rivers dies: Celebrate comedian's life with her 80 bitchiest putdowns and funniest one-liners" by Steve Anglesey and Carl Greenwood, www.mirror.co.uk. September 04, 2014.

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• She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

  Joan Rivers

  Two Best Friends, Two, Fats

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• No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

  Joan Rivers

  Men, Hands Up, Library

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• I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

  Joan Rivers

  People, Boss, Matter

  "Joan Rivers Interview: Her 6 Best One-Liners". Interview with Merle Ginsberg, www.hollywoodreporter.com. June 12, 2013.

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• I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Witty, Baby

  "The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said"by R. Byrne, (p. 94), 2003.

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• She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, War, Stupid

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• I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

  Joan Rivers

  Circles, Outsiders, Jokes

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

  Joan Rivers

  Thank You, Country, Fashion

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• I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

  Joan Rivers

  Memorable, Comedian, Wish

  "On Being Blonde" by P. Munier, (p. 84), 2004.

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• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

  Joan Rivers

  Inspirational, Funny, Running

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• My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

  Joan Rivers

  Sex, Historical, Life Is

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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