Hilarious Short Quotes

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Oscar Wilde

Funny, Life, Hilarious

260 Copy quote
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Chili Davis

Love, Happy Birthday, Happiness

109 Copy quote
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

W. Somerset Maugham

Inspirational, Funny, Science

18 Copy quote
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

Funny, Life, Birthday

119 Copy quote
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Robert Bloch

Funny, Smile, Hilarious

121 Copy quote
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

Inspirational, Funny, Humorous

Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

100 Copy quote

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I can resist everything except temptation.

Oscar Wilde

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Lady Windermere's Fan act 1 (1892) See Balzac 1; Clementina Graham 1; Mae West 19; Wilde 25

83 Copy quote

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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Isaac Asimov

Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

"The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners" edited by Geoff Tibballs, (p. 299), 2004.

386 Copy quote

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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

Life, Positive, Success

55 Copy quote
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

Ellen DeGeneres

Inspirational, Funny, Hilarious

56 Copy quote
I never said most of the things I said.

Yogi Berra

Funny, Baseball, Witty

"Yogi Berra, baseball Hall of Famer and New York Yankees catcher, dies at 90" by Alan Evans, www.theguardian.com. September 23, 2015.

17 Copy quote

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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

68 Copy quote
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.

Sherrilyn Kenyon

Insanity, Suffering, Signatures

26 Copy quote
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Earl Wilson

Inspirational, Funny, Motivational

237 Copy quote
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Ron White

Inspirational, Funny, Encouraging

"Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again". Comedy, Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

722 Copy quote

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When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Gracie Allen

Funny Birthday, Funny Inspirational, Women

33 Copy quote
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

Funny, Success, Hilarious

1019 Copy quote
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

Funny, Witty, Laughter

59 Copy quote
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx

Funny, Friendship, Education

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

140 Copy quote

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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Steve Martin

Funny, Witty, Laughter

FaceBook post by Steve Martin from Jun 14, 2011

124 Copy quote

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I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields

Hate, Prejudice, Comedy

Quoted in Saturday Review, 28 Jan. 1967

37 Copy quote

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My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

Funny, Life, Witty

"Wit and wisdom: Zsa Zsa Gabor's best and most memorable quotes". www.theguardian.com. December 19, 2016.

15 Copy quote

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Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Wendell Johnson

Funny, Witty, Educational

61 Copy quote
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

Funny, Laughter, Women

141 Copy quote
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bob Hope

Funny, Hilarious, Sarcastic

Quoted in Alan Harrington, Life in the Crystal Palace (1959).

294 Copy quote

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