Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses because they will want to keep playing.
Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.
If your opponent is playing several shots in vain attempts to extricate himself from a bunker, do not stand near him and audibly count his strokes. It would be justifiable homicide if he wound up his pitiable exhibition by applying his niblick to your head.
Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backward.
Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
In a generation or two, or maybe sooner, young golfers of true sporting instinct will wonder why all this handling of the ball is necessary. It will seem to them that the game is not as good as it might be.
The life of a professional golfer is precarious at best. Win, and they carry you to the clubhouse on their shoulders. Lose, and you pay the caddies in the dark.
According to the Captain of The Honorable Company of Edinburgh Golfers, striking your opponent or caddie at St Andrews, Hoylake or Westward Ho! meant that you lost the hole, except on medal days when it counted as a rub of the green.
One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa.
I'm a golfaholic, no question about that. Counseling wouldn't help me. They'd have to put me in prison, and then I'd talk the warden into building a hole or two and teach him how to play.
Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around.
You are meant to play the ball as it lies, a fact that may help to touch on your own objective approach to life.
If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.
A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone.
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
I don't exaggerate - I just remember big.
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.
"After all, golf is only a game", said Millicent. Women say these things without thinking. It does not mean that there is any kink in their character. They simply don't realise what they are saying.
I'm probably the only bottom-heavy golfer in the country.
I intend to be the greatest golfer in the world, the finest film producer in Hollywood, the greatest pilot in the world, and the richest man in the world.
I gravitate toward the team thing. I'm not a golfer - I much prefer basketball.
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