You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.
My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.
There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.
There is no such thing as natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls.
99% of the putts that are short don't go in the hole
If Jack Nicklaus had to play my tee shots, he couldn't break 80. He'd be a pharmacist with a string of drugstores in Ohio.
My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.
I played the tour in 1967 and told jokes and nobody laughed. Then I won the Open the next year, told the same jokes, and everybody laughed like hell.
You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.
Every golfer should come to the first tee with fourteen clubs, a dozen balls, a handful of tees, and at least one great golf story
Two things that are not long for this world: dogs that chase cars and professional golfers who putt for pars.
One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic.
Who can say I have a bad swing? The only thing that matters in golf is the score you put on the board. You don't have to look pretty out there, you have to win. Look at my record and tell me who has a better swing than mine.
If God wanted you to putt cross-handed, he would have made your left arm longer.
I thought Manual Labor was a Mexican golf pro.
My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.
You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.
Just remember, somewhere there's some guy who's tired of putting up with her crap
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