Funny Simpsons Quotes

• Whoever said, 'It's not whether you win or lose that counts,' probably lost.

  Martina Navratilova

  Inspirational, Funny, Sports

  79 Copy quote

• Homer no function beer well without.

  Matt Groening

  Beer, Ale, Function

  22 Copy quote

• I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

  Matt Groening

  Sandwiches, Clubs, Destruction

  20 Copy quote

• Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

  Matt Groening

  Food, Inspiration, Funniest Simpsons

  "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". "The Simpsons (TV Series): Marge vs. the Monorail", www.imdb.com.

  75 Copy quote

  Show source

• Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

  Dan Castellaneta

  Race, Easy, Tricks

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  20 Copy quote

  Show source

• Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

  Yeardley Smith

  Funny Valentines Day, Romantic Love, Romance

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  18 Copy quote

  Show source

• I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

  Homer

  Funniest Simpsons, Great Simpsons, Knows

  14 Copy quote

• The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor!

  Homer

  Mother, Gambling, Monsters

  7 Copy quote

• Lisa: 'Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?' Homer: 'Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.'

  Matt Groening

  Loneliness, Thinking, Environment

  "The Simpsons. Season 11. Faith Off". TV Series, 2000.

  9 Copy quote

  Show source

• Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.

  Christopher Titus

  Revenge, Philosophy, Hippie

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  10 Copy quote

  Show source

• You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

  Matt Groening

  Funny, Life, Trying

  38 Copy quote

• Guilt, remorse. It's what separates us from the animals.

  Arthur Mitchell

  Animal, Guilt, Weasels

  17 Copy quote

• Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

  Matt Groening

  Animal, Important, Weasels

  "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". TV Series "The Simpsons" ("Boy Scoutz 'n the Hood", 1993), www.imdb.com. (1989– ).

  28 Copy quote

  Show source

• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Homer Simpson

  Matt Groening

  Men, Praying, Save Me

  8 Copy quote

• Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

  Matt Groening

  Loneliness, Comic Book Guy, Dangerous

  "The Simpsons: My Sister, My Sitter". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 1997.

  20 Copy quote

  Show source

• Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

  Matt Groening

  Hilarious, Believe, Vampire

  "Fictional character: Homer Simpson". "The Simpsons. Treehouse of Horror IV", www.imdb.com. 1993.

  79 Copy quote

  Show source

• I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

  Matt Groening

  Beer, Gay, Lgbt

  "The Simpsons (Classic): 'Homer's Phobia'" by Dennis Perkins, tv.avclub.com. February 8, 2015.

  21 Copy quote

  Show source

• Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

  Matt Groening

  Love, Sweet, Life Is

  8 Copy quote

• It's not whether you win or lose - but whether I win or lose.

  Sandy Lyle

  Sports, Funny Inspirational, Golf

  29 Copy quote

• It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

  Charles Dickens

  Inspirational, Time, Cities

  A Tale of Two Cities bk. 1, ch. 1 (1859)

  47 Copy quote

  Show source

• But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

  Matt Groening

  What If, Week, Funniest Simpsons

  8 Copy quote

• Good things don't end in -eum; they end in -mania or -teria.

  Homer

  Good Things, Ends, Funniest Simpsons

  7 Copy quote

• I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

  Matt Groening

  Believe, Reading, Writing

  7 Copy quote

• All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

  Dan Castellaneta

  Winning, Vegetarianism, People

  11 Copy quote

• This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

  Charles Montgomery

  Jail, Democracy, Would Be

  "The Simpsons: Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish". TV Series, www.imdb.com. 1990.

  7 Copy quote

  Show source