Did you know that Allah promises you a seat in Paradise if you kill a Christian?
You don't have to do anything.
The programs constantly repeat themselves and one another. No one has yet had the nerve to say, 'As we have nothing sensible to tell you between now and 8:30, please tune in again then.
When I was young, I wanted to find the Great Dark Man. When I said that I realise now that people thought that by 'dark' I meant black, and that by 'great' I meant big. Whereas I only meant a strong, mysterious person; someone who would 'take me away from all this.'
It is true that in America I've become a national hero, but really I was a hopeless case, that was all.
I now realize that education is a last wild effort on the part of the authorities to prevent an overdose of leisure from driving the world mad. Learning is no longer an improver; it is merely the most expensive time-filler the world has ever known.
Exhibitionists have no friends, no friends at all.
The Scots are very hospitable; almost as hospitable as the Americans.
As soon as a person takes a part as a homosexual, the press says, "What do your wife and children think of this?" And the actor never says, "Well, last week I was a murderer, and the week before that I was a child molester, and the week before that I was a lunatic. But now I'm a homosexual."
If you live in America, you don't have to work. You can just drift along in the smiling and nodding racket.
The court was not previously aware of the prisoner's many accomplishments. In view of these, we see fit to impose the death penalty.
Any film is at least better than real life.
All liaisons between homosexuals are conducted as though they were between a chorus girl and a bishop. In some cases both parties think they are bishops.
Even hooligans marry, though they know that marriage is for a little while. It is alimony that is for ever.
The simplest comment on my book came from my ballet teacher. She said, "I wish you hadn't made every line funny. It's so depressing."
Posing was the first job I did in which I understood what I was doing.
The rest of the world in which I lived was still stumbling about in search of a weapon with which to exterminate this monster [homosexuality] whose shape and size were not yet known or even guessed at. It was thought to be Greek in origin, smaller than socialism but more deadly, especially to children.
I found that I had become so spinsterish that I was made neurotic not only by my life of domesticity but by the slightest derangement of my room. I would burst into a fit of weeping if the kettle was not facing due east.
To minimize my guilt at going to the pictures - to call this wanton pursuit of an effete pleasure by another name - I needed movie companions as drunkards need drinking partners. If I entered a cinema alone, God might plunge his arm through the roof of the auditorium booming in a stereophonic voice, 'And you, Crisp, what are you doing here?' I would never have dared reply, 'I'm just enjoying myself, Lord.'
Every day someone notices me and waves to me, or stops and speaks to me, or asks me for an autograph, or photographs me.
All America is much the same.
My function in life was to render clear what was already blindingly conspicuous.
The Americans, of course, are quite dotty with hospitality.
Most men when they make up their faces, the makeup stands forward, and their faces are behind.
"I've never not been famous."
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