Tommy Cooper Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Window Shopping

  "Jus' Like That" by Michael Billington, www.theguardian.com. April 9, 2003.

• I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Indecisive

• I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Dog, Humor

• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Drinking, Humor

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Motivation, Humorous

• Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Couple, Humor

• Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Bullshit

• I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Lunch

  "Tommy Cooper: the best quotes" by Michael Hogan, www.theguardian.com. April 22, 2014.

• A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Blow

• I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Horse, Humor

• So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Beautiful, Girl

• A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Party, Humor

• A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Dog, Assistants

• Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Night

• So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, House

• 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Home, Humor

• A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Camouflage

  "Tommy Cooper: the best quotes" by Michael Hogan, www.theguardian.com. April 22, 2014.

• A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

• So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Doors

• So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Men

• I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humor, Cheese Sandwiches

• I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Monday, Doctors

• It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Humorous, Library

• He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books".

  Tommy Cooper

  Funny, Book, Humor

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